August 2009

Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

My beach buddies at one of Jed's fave places...Hoopers.
So today I got papers in the mail from Harley....it was a written version of my verbal absentee discipline....but added to it was also a real written discipline....saying I was given 2 extra points for not showing up to work on Monday!!! AAAHHH, oh yeah way to save money and time Harley Davidson....My union steward took care of it for me....
Along with lovely mail from Harley Davidson was a big envelope addressed to The Parents Of Jedediah Smith....from Hershey Med Center. It was a packet of papers asking me to allow Jed to participate in a liver disease study. He was chosen because he had a few ultra sounds on his liver. They made sure to assuage my fears by letting me know that Jed DOES NOT have liver disease. Hey thanks people.......anyway I called Dr. Spanier...any relation to PSU Spanier? he was on vacation..of course... but the person that answered the phone will pass my message on to him. I told her my son could not participate because he DIED in that hospital 6 months ago this Saturday. She said "thank you I will pass that information on"...really?? I try very hard to not take my misery out on undeserving people..but really?? F you lady.
When we were in the hospital in December I received a letter from my insurance company saying that Jed's liver transplant was approved........aaaahhh we all got a huge giggle out of that. Jed's comment..."that liver I got must be from England cause I am cravin' fish and chips". He told everyone that line.
After receiving all that great pertinent mail I decided that the roses do not need to be trimmed and the laundry can wait until tomorrow. I took my book....George Anderson's We Are Not Forgotten...stories from the other side...and hung out on my big comfy bed on my porch for the rest of the day. It was either that or I start screaming and not stop. I opted for the book.
Savannah and I dumped more grass seed at the cemetery and watered it all. At some point I will have thick soft grass free from ants.
Good night baby Jed. I have been watching America's Got Talent. Just is not the same without you. Your critique makes it all so much more entertaining. Nothing is the same without you. My Dr asked today how I was doing....I said every day sucks bad and most days suck even more than that..and for some reason I keep waking up everyday. I am missing you more than I can explain to people and really no one can understand. Being ripped away from you is unbearable. Keep sending me signs that your near me..and come visit me in my dreams. Mommy loves you
Love J & k

Summer 1999

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

I just wish I could go back .......... see him and hold him. That smile...I miss that smile so so much.
Oh Jeddie
Mommy Loves you....always
Love J & K

Grilling with Uncle Adam 2008. Jed loves to cook with his Uncle Adam, one of his very fave things to do.
So today was my first day unemployed. It went ok. Had brunch with mom, Savannah and Grace...for Grace's b-day. Then Savannah and I went to the grocery store...yuck. I stopped over at mom and dad's this evening and Adam and the Mac showed up. They hung out while Tiersa went to the gym. I left there and went to water my grass seed. I stayed out of Jed's room today. I have to dust but...it is very hard to go in there. I just stand at the doorway a lot. I am working very hard at not being completely miserable.
I have an appointment tomorrow morning in Harrisburg at HACC. I'll let you know how it goes.
Jeddie, my heart hurts. I still cannot believe I am sitting here....and you are gone. Oh my god.....Jed.....I hate this. This is NOT how it was supposed to be. We were a team...the 4 of us..with you and I being a team within a team. I don't know how parents live through this.......or why. It all just sucks....Hurry up life, lets move this along..I need to be with Jed.
Mommy loves you
Love J & K

Having smores at the Althoff's camp. What a great day. He had so much fun and he just ran himself silly trying to keep up with the girls. He was asleep in the car on the way home before I had even driven a mile. oh my, such great friends have given me such great memories and I am so grateful.
Danny, Savannah, Kyle and I spent the afternoon at Grace and Jim's swimming today. Megan and Jase were there too. We had a nice day. I got a head start on my unemployment tan. Savannah and I then went over and spread the fertilizer/ ant killer at the cemetery and then we watered it. Now....it's raining. That's good though, a nice soak is what the seed needs.
Tomorrow will be my first day of being unemployed.....Jed would be SOOOO happy. I know he IS happy I just wish he were here with me to enjoy it.
We are having breakfast with G tomorrow....mom, Savannah and I. Tuesday is her birthday...but I have to be in Harrisburg on Tuesday to talk to the lady from HACC about starting full time in the fall.
That's all for now I think.
Baby love, mommy misses you so very very much. Thinking about living everyday without you is beyond what I can handle. I haven't been in your room in a while, I just wave from the doorway. If I go in I won't be able to get myself out. It is just too hard. I'd rather pretend you are in there sleeping, playing your DSi or drawing or making your famous lists. I wish I could touch your skinny little legs and your soft hands. The sun is not as bright this summer. The water is not as refreshing, the pool not near as fun, the garden does not seem as amazing and there is just no vibrancy to my favorite time of the year. Can't wait to see you. Mommy loves you sweet pea.
Love J & K

Jed and Eli, September 2009 The Four Miles For Four Diamonds. Two skinny almost teenage boys. They did so well on that walk. They went ahead of "the parents"...they were too cool. I haven't heard anything about Eli lately so I am hoping no news is good news. I think he was headed to Hawaii again soon...I think! I also need to get some info on Iysis.
Danny and I rode for a few hours today then we stopped at the olive garden and stuffed ourselves with bread sticks and pasta...thinking of Jed the whole time. Right when we sat down the time was 2:22...our waitress' name was Kristin. I felt Jed right next to me all day. Being home without him to take care of is going to be harder than I thought, I think. This morning was so awful . The missing him was so over the top. I almost felt panicky because there was nowhere to go to get away from it. There is nowhere to hide from it. I just felt like I wanted to curl into a ball, to be as small as possible...so the pain couldn't find me...FYI...that does not work so don't bother to try. It was an odd feeling, like I said it almost made me panic...I do not panic....but it was frightening to know I could not get away from it. Danny was here , so that helped.
Savannah is in Philly today at a graduation party for Kyle and his cousins. She just called...the past 2 nights her face has swollen and gotten itchy and hot. Last night she was home and now tonight she just dropped Kyle off and said it was starting again...weird.
I got my grades today from my American Gov class....A!!! my GPA for this class 4.0!!! My cumulative GPA 3.67..I'll take it.
Danny and I watered our grass seed tonight and I have some ant killer/lawn fertilizer to put down before I water tomorrow. I hate to use stuff like that...I usually never do...but those ants much go and my grass must grow!!!
Goodnight baby Jed. I know you were with me all day. I felt you right there. I still miss you...more and more but I know you are here. I wish I could see your smiling face and hear your funny giggle....see you roll your eyes at Danny and irritate Savannah. Our house does not feel right, everything is off. We are desperately missing you...especially me. I want to do all the things I'm supposed to do and hurry up and grow old and then be with you...hurry hurry. Mommy loves you
Love J & K

Jase put his breadstick in the box of money Jim and Grace gave Jed!

Jase put his breadstick in the box of money Jim and Grace gave Jed!
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Christmas 2008. What a pair these 2 are!
So... Jed would be....well, Jed IS very happy today. I am no longer employed as of 4pm this afternoon. It's a big jump, probably not the smartest but I have the support and love of many so I know all will be ok. I also have an appointment at HACC....the community college...on Tuesday to talk to someone about their legal studies program. Things will be a bit tight around here for awhile...I cannot get unemployment until October....but we will be fine. I am glad I don't have to be in there as out department is taken apart. No more Harley....weird. I remember the day I walked in there. It is sooooo different now. So much had happened during those years.
I miss Jed. I know he is with me and sharing this but having him here physically to hug me and laugh and probably have a celebratory dinner ( jed loves to go out to eat) would be perfect. I am really really missing my guy. I don;t know how I will handle being home without taking care of Jed...and Just hanging out with him. UGH. I try very hard to not dwell on that. I hope it doesn't get harder because I am home.
Savannah and I took a big bucket of water over to water our grass seed. We then discovered that there is a water thingy there. So now we just have to take the bucket...not the water! Grace came up this evening and drank Mike's lemonade on the porch. We walked back over to the cemetery. Danny came by...he was out riding. Then we traipsed all over the place. I swear, I cannot go ANYWHERE with Grace that she does not see someone she knows...the cemetery is no different!! She said, "oh , that was my neighbor, I knew that guy, she was the lady down the street....etc. Funny.
So now my unemployed life starts....
Jeddie, I SO wish I was with you. We would be hanging in your room right now planning and plotting the rest of the summer. I still have a very hard time believing what has happened. It just cannot be true. This is not what we planned, what we talked about and what we were sure was going to happen. The fact that I have to get up everyday and keep going without you here with me is unbearable. Everything is so hard, nothing is right...it will never be right. I hate this. I have no words to describe how much it hurts. Jeddie, mommy loves you.....and misses you beyond words.
Love J & K

Jed getting birthday wishes from Acacia & Gamma Phi

Jed getting birthday wishes from Acacia & Gamma Phi
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Jed in his Penn State room. He loves his bedroom.
One more day of being employed......June and Karen had a surprise party for me today!!!!! Mom and Lisa came in too!! It was very nice of everyone. I felt that I hadn't really been back long enough to deserve any kind of send off...so I was very surprised. June gave me little gifts to drink next to the pool! Lisa brought me school supplies! Karen gave me cheesecake!
We all were told last week at our "official 5 day notice" meeting that we were being laid off some of us volunteered and many did not. Those people did not have a choice but they wrapped their heads around the loss and started to plan ahead. Well today 45 of those people were told that they are not being laid off. It was horrible. These people have cashed in their vacation and used any points they had. Some have registered for school, rented vacation homes and planned many different things. They will not get their deposits on their vacations back, they will have to work all summer with no vacation and no ability to take off at all. Some people even had new jobs starting on Monday. What a horrible mess. It is so wrong on so many levels. Tomorrow should be interesting at work. All this on top of the fact that the people on the line have been training the new people that are being given the jobs they are losing. It gets worse in there everyday.
I am so glad to be leaving. Worried but glad.
Then there is the heat, it is unbearable. They used to add 5 mins to our break and lunch on the really bad days. They also would put tubs of ice and drinks out for us. Today...nothing, I truly think that if someone dies in there their coworker will be instructed to push them out of the way and keep working. Like I said getting worse everyday. Miserable. Now we just have to get Danny out.
Watching the news....love how EVERY republican voted against unemployment. Orrin Hatch said that giving people unemployment just lets them go buy drugs. another senator compared people on unemployment to hobos...and said that those people are lazy and breeding more lazy people!!!! Nice. Oh and a congress woman said that people on unemployment are spoiled!!! Wish they all became suddenly unemployed.
Anyway, Savannah and I went over and raked up all the dead grass and planted new grass seed in our little part of the cemetery. Now I just have to water it everyday so it will grow. We used grass seed that they use at ball parks. I hope it works. I hate that crunchy hard grass that is there now. With all the dead spots and weeds. I am going to get some fertilizer tomorrow and as much as I hate to, I have to kill all those ants...I cannot stand them.
ok, I have to go lie down. My head is killing me tonight.
Jeddie....my heart hurts and I want you to come home. I have had enough. I proved that I am strong and that I can struggle on. Now I just want you home. I don't know how it will be to be home and not have you to take care of. That was the job I loved the most and I want it back. missing you....every second...of everyday day and every night. Mommy loves you
Love J & K

This is my Jed shelf. I took a "point" today and stayed home to put up my shelf early this morning. Then I spent the day with Savannah as she had an eye exam and got her new glasses. We had to wait a bit but she got them today. I really like them, the people at the eye place called her frames "geek chic" and said at the Vegas frame show all the 20 somethings were wearing them. I think they are cool. She did say though that an old man came into the restaurant tonight wearing the same ones!!! He of course was not chic.
My friend Becky stopped by tonight. I went to school with her and now she lives in Charlottsville, VA. She has family in Hunt Valley, that's where she is staying. Love Becky the Babe. It was so nice of her to stop by. Next time I want to see Edie too.
Savannah and I went to the cemetery yesterday and put all of Jed's blue rocks around his light. We noticed that the grass is starting to come up in some spots but it is all stiff and crunchy. Some other parts have soft thick grass...we don't. I bought grass seed today. I'm going to rake it and then put some seed down. Hopefully it will grow and be more comfortable to sit on....soft and thick like the other people's grass.
I have your shelf up Jeddie. It looks good, I love the birdhouses. I miss you baby love. I wish....I wish I could just wish you home to me. I wish I wish I wish.
Mommy Loves you
Love J & K

June 2007 Grace and Jim's pool

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

I don't really know what to say today....I know, what a shocker. 3 more days of work left. I have mixed feelings about that. I am very glad to be leaving. I do not want to hang around and watch them piece out our department...and farm out our people. But I am kind of wondering what it will be like to be home .....without Jed. I feel very much at loose ends when I am at home. I always feel as if I am waiting....but what I am waiting for will never come. All the days are hard....some are just excruciating. I feel that if I wore this devastation and trauma on the outside everyone would have to look away. It would be too hard to look at. But, it's all on the inside,,,,so most people think I am ok, that I am just like them. I am not. People that have lost a child are forever damaged inside. It is not a wound that heals. Everyday it is ripped open.... over and over. Wow how dramatic that sounds, but it's the truth. It does not get better. The longer I am apart from Jed the worse it is. The missing him, missing the everyday "Jed" stuff, is almost intolerable. I hate it.
Soooo, anyway. That's all. I have stuff I need to do....but I really don't feel like doing anything.
Jeddie love, living everyday without you here is really sucky. I try to only think about the fun times, your laugh and that smile. When the dark things start in my head, the pain, fear, sickness...etc...it is hard to make it stop. It takes a lot of energy but I know that is not what you want me to be remembering. I try, I work hard at it everyday, I do it for you.. I know that is what you want. Mommy loves you spaghetti head.
Love J & k

Jed and Emmitt

Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Missing them both. It's good to know they are together.
Savannah and I are taking some flowers over for Jed. That's all.
Jed......I miss you
Mommy loves you
Love J & k

July 2001 Clearlake CA

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Happy Father's day to my Dad....to Danny....to my brother...Mr Jim and all the other Dad's out there.
We all had breakfast this morning for dad's day. Then I spent the day at Jim and Grace's swimming in their pool, drinking their drinks and eating their food! Danny came down for a bit too. The weather is awesome.
Missing Jed desperately. It can be just too much sometimes.
Mommy loves you sweat pea
Love J & K

Funny but Odd!!! July 2007

just weird
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Not much to say. Hung out on the porch for Savannah's yard sale. Not sure how much they made but it wasn't too bad. Ran back and forth between the porch and Danny storage unit a few blocks from here. It was so much hotter at the storage...all that black top and no shade...yuck. Danny sold some stuff but not much.
Saw lots of people today, hung out with the neighbors too. I was kind of stressed about sitting out there with so many people wandering around town. I knew I was going to have to answer the question "how's Jed?". I did, but just once. We all packed up by 2pm. It was so hot and very slow. I helped Danny put all his stuff away because he was alone. Savannah had lots of help here. I trimmed the roses along the side of the house..and then I headed to Grace and Jim's for a swim....Adam, Tiersa and "The Mac" were there. I ended up not swimming...by then I was cold! The Mac LOVED it she was shaking and blue but cried when we got her out...just like my kids always were...especially Jed. He loved the pool. That pool was his personal vacation spot. A few years ago Jed dropped a pokemon over the side of Grace's deck...there is thick Ivy all over the ground under there. He told Grace and Jim "well, there it goes, you guys will find it someday". Jim found it yesterday while cleaning out the ivy! I guess someday has arrived.
Savannah and Danny are both in bed. I think the heat has made both of them sick. Savannah has to work in the morning, she thought she had her shift covered so we could all go to breakfast for Father's day but her boss said she wanted Savannah in there and not someone else because it is a holiday and will be crowded. So she can see us while she works but can't eat with us.. :( oh well. I wonder if she got Danny a Father's day card?
I guess that's all.
Missing you Jeddie. You would have LOVED to be in the pool with Livi-Mac tonight. She would have loved it too! I am sad, just sad, missing you so very much. Everyday is harder, Everyday is a day I have to live here without you. The hole in my life is so huge there are no words to describe it. Trying to live with that hole in the middle is almost impossible and it is tiring,
Good Night Baby Jed....Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

My Family spring 2009

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Look how tall Jed had gotten...he was all elbows and knees.
Savannah is having a yard sale here this weekend. All the money goes to The Four Diamonds. Tomorrow she will be alone so I am going to hang out on the porch. All I am worried about is what is going to happen to all the stuff at 5pm tomorrow...I hope it's all gone.
I have five days of work left. That is crazy. I cannot believe I took the lay off. Especially since I will not have any money until almost October....what was I thinking??!! I can't change my mind now, I'm all in, or out depending on how you look at it. I am glad I won't be there as they slowly take our department apart. We had people in there the other day, while we were working, that were climbing all around our machines....turns out they were the people moving the machines to the company that will have all of our jobs. Lovely, they couldn't have waited until 4pm after we were gone?? It's just rude. I don't want to be there through that.
Every time I work the job I had today I see at least 2 people that do not know about Jed. I dread that. It is exhausting, I hate telling people when they ask how my son is. I told some friends that when someone asks me how my son is....a part of me wants to say...dead. I know that is sick but it's true. I don't do that of course but I almost kind of want to. But then I think he is not dead....he really isn't, he has passed to the other side or even better.. moved on to the next stage. That is what I believe....actually it is what I know. I KNOW he is not dead....he is very much alive just not here in a body. He has moved past that...on to bigger and better things. Anyway....I hate answering that question...I feel bad for the people asking...it's the last thing they want to hear. Poor people.
Jeddie babe I am missing you. I need you here, sliding into the kitchen doing your funny little disco moves. Singing in the bathroom. Talking to the TV in your room...all those things, the things that gave our house life. The "JED" stuff. We all miss you so very much. They say time flies....I hope so. I can't wait to see you again.
Mommy loves you
Love J & k

Savannah and I did some landscaping. We put black rocks all around it and plastic under the rocks to keep the weeds out. I trimmed all the grass, it is starting to look much nicer. Tomorrow I will stop and get some red flowers. Some one asked me if the quarters were in the stone..no they are not. Jed leaves quarters for people and some people bring the quarters over and leave them on the stone. That's what's up with the quarters.
Here is my latest Jed story. When I am headed to see a medium/ psychic I always ask Jed to get the medium/psychic to sing the song from Cat-Dog so I know it's him. Well that has not happened yet. Yesterday a friend posted a picture of her dog standing the the rail of her deck. I loved it. Someone commented under it "cat-dog". When I went to bed last night I posted that all I could hear was Jed singing that song. He would sing it every morning when he was 4 and 5 right before I left for work. His voice was so squeaky from the steroids. It was great. Over the course of the night I had a few comments on my post and some were lyrics. Brent wrote an entire verse. So....Jed HAS sung the cat-dog song to me..just in a different way. Jeddie is always with me..keeping an eye on me...and many others.
Savannah is having a yard sale tomorrow and Saturday. All money raised goes to The Four Diamonds Fund. Come on by and buy some stuff!!! Everyone always needs more stuff.
I love this picture. It's Jed wearing my Great Aunt Jerry's Mink. He even took a nap in it that day!!! Funny Funny boy.
I love you baby Jed. I am missing you...oh how I am missing you. Savannah and I were talking about how happy you would be for this next phase coming up in our house. I know you would be excited to have me home and you would make it fun to save money (cause we won't have any). I can only imagine what kind of dinner you would come up with. Missing you baby love. I do not like doing anything without you...it all sucks. Thanks for "singing" cat-dog to me!!! It is such a calming, happy feeling when I know you are near me. Mommy Loves You baby love.
Love J & k

Jed July 1998 10 mos old

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

OMG could that kid be any cuter? I can hear that giggle. It was his 1st trip to the beach. He loved floating in the pool! This was the same week that he discovered the Tele-Tubbies. His first word was "well-wo wa-wa" translated yellow La La..his fave tubbie! Missing my guy like you could never believe.
Took my final this evening. I also got my paper back. He took pity on me and disregarded how I saw the ending..which was the wrong ending! I don't know what the max amount of points was that you could get on this paper. I know it was over 100...I got 100. It was more than both the other girls....weird. My final only took me 45 mins. That always worries me. I reviewed it 3 times so if I forgot something or was not in depth enough I didn't catch it. I guess I will find out somehow. I never activated my Penn State account because I knew I was only going to be there for 1 short semester. I am hoping he emails me the grade. I guess I have to call the registrar's office and have a copy of my class grade mailed to me so Harley will pay. I am assuming I have at least a C in this class.
Jeddie spaghetti ...nothing has changed since yesterday except the fact that I miss you more. I hate this, it's HARD and PAINFUL and it SUCKS. Whenever I was having a hard day or just tired... being with you always made me feel better. I knew I could come home to you and things would be better....not now. Now nothing gets better...just harder. Mommy loves you sweet pea
Love J & K

Jed and I on The Maid of the Mist 2007

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

We had a good time even if they make you wear blue trash bags!
Tomorrow night is my final and my final class. I am just hoping for a C. After the huge mess I seem to have made with my paper I wrote I have to do well on this test. I am still confused as to how I missed an election in a class with 6 people. Where was I? I didn't leave the room before anyone else...when was this election? weird. oh well too late now. My brother told me to email my prof and try to explain why I wrote a summery of something that didn't happen. I tried but how do you explain that? I was in the room, there are only 6 of us but I seemed to have missed the biggest part of the whole project. oh yay
8 days of work left. This has been so up and down. One minute I am leaving the next I am not. I plan things then cancel them...over and over. So now everything is canceled and I am taking the lay off!!!! I guess I should just keep it that way for now.
Savannah is having a yard sale this weekend...all the money raised will be for the four diamonds. We will put it with the money we raise at the luncheon. Don't forget to keep checking Savannah's blog ( link is on the top right) all updates will be on there & on Facebook. Remember we are still looking for silent auction donations. even small things we can put into a basket to make a bigger thing! We don't have any electronics yet...the radio shack guy was a jerk!
that's it for now. I am tired. I thought it would be easier to go to work because I know my days are numbered....but nope....it's harder! yuck.
Jeddie I miss you. Today whenever I started to really get upset I tried to think of all the people you have touched. People you have met and some that never had the pleasure of meeting you in person. You touched so many...and continue to. Jed you are truly the gift that keeps on giving. I am missing you. I cannot think of how horrible this really is because I won't be able to get out of bed. I try to keep the reality of the emptiness kind of foggy. If things become too clear and I can see to the bottom I will fall in and never be able to climb out. I hope you are safe and healthy and having fun. I know it is you holding me up, that is the only reason I keep moving....you are holding me up. As always...taking care of me. oh Jeddie, I want to be with you.
Mommy loves you
Love J & k

Jeddie loves his Target popcorn. Looking at pictures makes my stomach hurt..but I have to do it.
I had off today. Wrote a paper for class...forgot the title page and didn't put my name on it. Had to write it on the back....duh. Now I have to type up my study guide for my final on Wednesday.
So evidently last week when we did our simulation in class I stopped paying attention and missed the fact that we had an election...hhmmm. I just remember the guy representing the military saying " I am just taking over". after that I turned around and stopped listening. Seems I missed a the whole end of the simulation. We had an election and I didn't know it. Oops...and my paper was written on the fact that he had played the takeover card..nice. oh well. As long as I get a half decent grade on my final I should be ok. I guess.
I better go study.
Good night baby Jed. I had a brief moment while looking at pictures when I wanted to throw something through the window or against the wall. I didn't of course. One of these days I just might. I know you are with me and I know you are working hard to make sure I know it. I just miss you so much. I miss your sweet face and funny giggle and funny comments. I miss you I miss you I miss you. This sucks....I hate it. I hate not having you here.
Mommy loves you
Love J & K

So after waiting and worrying .....the stone is finally in. I was dreading the phone call that said it was finished. I thought it would be next week sometime while I was at work. Jed knew that...he made sure it didn't happen that way. He also managed to add some comic relief to the situation. Danny called to say he was there and it was in. Savannah & I walked over, we sent mom and dad a text and they met us there. We checked it out and hung around discussing how I am going to trim around it and stuff. Danny left and then as Mom and Dad were heading out Savannah & I started to walk home. We heard a gunshot. I figured it was from the farm behind the trees. Savannah and I wandered around reading stones as we walked home. I looked up and saw my parents waiting at the gate for us. Savannah looked at her phone and a message that said, "game warden at the gate, bear loose in the cemetery come out now". You should have seen Savannah pick up those knees and prance very quickly out of there. I of course was hurrying to catch up...because I had no clue what she was talking about. If the bear had come up to us I probably would have asked who was in the suit. Evidently there has been a bear on the loose in the area for a few days and tonight it just happened to be in our cemetery. Leave it to Jed. Not only did he make sure I was not at work when I got the call he also made it into a great story. Crazy.
Today we went to Jim and Grace's. ate some good food and swam between the storms. It was the first time I have been there since about September. It was hard..until I got there.... then I was ok. Glad I went. Thanks guys.
Now I am supposed to be writing a paper for class...glad I have a vacation day tomorrow so I can finished it before 6pm.
9 more days of work....oh my.
Nitey nite Jeddie pooh. Missing you...oh so much. Thanks for relieving the stress at the cemetery...but a bear?? I know you were hysterical watching Savannah high stepping out of there. I can't wait to be with you again.
Mommy loves you...
Love J & K

This was Halloween 2007. He loved to hang on the porch and divvy out the candy! Love that smile....
Today was just another Saturday without Jed. It is so weird to wake up and not to either have Jed in our bed or go check on Jed . I automatically think about how Jed would be feeling when he woke up, if he would want to go somewhere or just hang out or even sleep all day. It is weird to get up and wander around not knowing what to do. Today I went over to Mom's to see Livi-Mac. Then mom and I decided to go to the market. After I got home I went with Danny to eat and to the tattoo shop where we all go. He is having a tattoo of Jed put on the back of his shoulder. They are drawing it up and he will have it done near the end of July. It should be pretty cool. I still cannot decide what to do for mine. I want something added to the one I got to celebrate the end of Jed's treatment. The happy one. I love that tattoo. Anyway, so now I am "rugging". The pink one I am working on is really very pretty. It is for the silent auction..but I really like it!
Tomorrow I think we are headed to Grace and Jim's to swim for a bit. I get to put my squishy white body in a bathing suit. The great thing about their pool is that it's in the middle of now where!
That's all, nothing exciting happening. Same stuff
Good night baby love. Your stone should be set this week, before Friday. I am missing you...as always. Mommy loves you
Love J & K

One year ago. What a difference a year makes. I was so happy last year at this time....almost giddy with relief. Savannah had graduated and was going to college. I felt like I had accomplished something major!!! I kept telling everyone I graduated. I went to Kyle's graduation tonight with Savannah. It was outside where as last year was indoors. That made it a bit easier. It was still hard. When I think of what has happened and how different our lives are it's hard to comprehend.
Our friend Forrest, from clinic, finished his chemo and he graduated yesterday. I am so happy for him and his family. His mom is very cool...and I know she is so relieved. Way to go Forrest.
Congrats Kyle. Kyle is off to Drexel in the fall.
We sat with Kyle's family and the lovely nutty Lindsey S. joined us. I also saw Jared Bailey. He is headed to the Dominican Republic in a couple of days on a mission trip. Have fun and be careful Jared. Your mommy wants you home safe and sound.
I think that's all for now. When I think of how happy I was last year....I get a bit angry and very very sad. It sucks, it's wrong, it's not fair and I want my kid back.
Lovey, I am missing you. I feel like I am made of glass sometimes. I am ready to shatter at any second. The weight of missing you is almost intolerable. It does not get better..it just gets worse. Jeddie I hope you are riding your bike, learning to snow board, playing music, just having fun and feeling good. There is not one moment, day or night, that I am not thinking of you, remembering you....missing you. Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

September 2009...the day Jed got his glasses. He was so happy with them. He looked so grown up. My guy...how cute is he.

Well, today I did it....I signed the paper that says I am taking the lay off at the end of the month. I can't change my mind. Once the paper was signed that's it...so I guess that's it. I really think it is the right decision....I hope. The 25th will be my last day.
I am tired, I was in bed and couldn't sleep and I remembered that I didn't post a picture. I hope now I can go up and sleep.
As always, I am missing my guy. I hate that I don't have any words to explain how I really feel. I know I write the same stuff everyday but that's just how it is. The missing is always here and it covers everything like a gray blanket. Everything I do, say, think or feel is through this blanket of missing Jed. It will never be different, it couldn't. Some days it's heavier than others but it is always there and always wrapped around me...it always will be. The pain that goes with it is like someone squeezing my heart..all the time.
Baby Jed, Mommy loves you...I hate being apart from you....can't wait to see you...hurry hurry
Love J & K
The stone is to be set next week by Friday at the latest....thank goodness. Thanks G & J

Ocean City 2008. My beach friend. I was looking forward to the day that he would be boogie boarding and skim boarding like all the other little boys.

Everything is so up and down with work. I can't collect unemployment until Oct but i do get a severance after I have been off for 6 weeks. I initially thought there was just no way I could leave work now...I still know that the smart thing would be to stay but.....I am not staying. I really struggled...am still struggling. I could change my mind...but after I sign the paper on Friday that's it I have to leave. As of right now I am leaving. Things will be tough and there won't be any extras for awhile but I really think I need to go. Anyway, I am too tired to talk about it anymore..but I know Jed is helping me make this decision.
More about it later.
Good night lovey. Missing you as always. Keep giving me signs and helping me make decisions..I need the help. Baby Jed, I wish there were words to describe how I feel. My heart is just so broken without you. I can hear your voice in my head and that funny little giggle. Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

Sock Puppets. I saw this picture and all I can think is that
---he was just here--- how can he be gone? I really am so tired of this. I want my life back, the one I had that had a son in it. big F ' word
anyway
The other night I was doing some research into unemployment..just to make sure all my bases are covered...I came across this paragraph that talked about "base weeks". I had never heard of this before...did I write about this last night? ok so mom called unemployment today and the lady said I do NOT qualify to receive unemployment because they would be using Oct Nov and Dec of last year as my "base year". so that means that the quarter I just worked doesn't count. that was this morning....started my day off grandly. So after some discussion around my department I asked Grace to call and ask, if i was laid off at the end of this month but didn't file until october would I qualify then. Grace put Megan on the task. This is what Meg found out , if i get laid off at the end of june and I file for unemployment I will be denied but then if I waited and filed again in october i would be ok. That was my question...would they go from when I filed or from when I actually was laid off. According to the unemployment lady Meg talked to they go from when you file. SOOOO, this is my dilemma; if I leave in 2 weeks I can ask for my severance right away, but that takes 6 weeks to start. I would receive it weekly for probably 5 -6 weeks, I am guessing. I should be able to squeeze this until the beginning of October. Then I could file for unemployment. In the middle of all that I would hang out with Savannah and then start school in Sept. So I need some advice..don't be shy..I will take anything under advisement. I would have the initial 6 weeks to get through until I got any money. Then the severance would start and the next step would be to go file for unemployment and to school. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO..... the rumor is we are starting 10 hr days in August. I am not sure when I will get sent to 3rd shift...sometime before December I'm sure. I will also be sent to the line to work. My dept will be gone by December too. When we go to 10 hr days..or nights I really would not be able to go to school...maybe on days but I will only stay on day shift if they only run 1 shift. I would get sent to 3rd if we run 2 shifts and of course there are no answers at all from the company concerning all these things. Really I have no idea what to do and no I do not have any money saved to pay bills for 6 weeks. That went a long time ago! Ok so...give me thoughts. Help
Goodnight Baby Love
that picture broke my heart, it feels like it was this morning that you were making sock puppets because you were so bored. oh my Jed...this is bad, the missing you is really, really bad. I want you back...that's all I want. Struggling to keep it all together. Mommy loves you Jeddie
Love J & K
ps Mr Jim and Grace are still working on the headstone issue...seems the company thought it had already been put in....hahhaa..jerks

Jed and Fred Halloween 2009

Jed and Fred
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

LOVE THIS PICTURE.
Oh my am I tired. I stayed up late last night reading my notes from the movie I watched for class so I didn't look like a complete moron tonight. Of course my brain was so fried there was always a 10 sec delay between the prof asking me a question and when I start to talk. Very awkward silence in there! I finally said, sorry, I'm really tired and my professor said "well Kristin, life's tough" Yup tell me about it! Oh well I have to keep telling myself this is my "test" class. I can only do what I can do. If my brain starts to revolt i just have to go with it.
I read something this morning on the PA unemployment web site. It said something about the fact that if you file in the month of June they look at your "base" year of Oct. Nov. and Dec. well I didn't work those months. As of tomorrow I have worked a quarter though..18 weeks. It says you have to work 18 weeks to get the maximum length of benefits. I emailed them and the answer I got was "no determination can be made until you file"....HEY people it's an easy question to answer, is my 1 quarter good enough or did I have to work last year too??? Geeze. My Mommy is going to look into it tomorrow for me..yay mommy. Speaking of having people do things for me, Mr Jim and Grace are working on the headstone issue and I am sure it will be resolved and put in very soon. Thank god I have my own little team!
Now I need to go type up the notes I took in class tonight so i can read and understand them. If I wait until tomorrow I will not know the meaning of what I have written.
Good night lovey. Today was an extra hard one..maybe because I am so tired. Danny is back at work...that is nice. I am missing you Jeddie..really, really missing you. Today I just have this overwhelming need to touch you. This sucks so much, I hate this. Everyday is so hard ,it is exhausting. I fake and smile and fake and smile....very tiring. Baby Jed...Mommy loves you & is so lonely without you
Love J & K

This was taken at Savannah's graduation dinner celebration....1 year ago. Amazing what can happen in a year...unreal.
Anyway I put up a pic of Jed and Mr. Jim so I wanted to be fair and put a picture of Jed with Grace! She has been his Nanny since he was 2. When I was forced to go to work G was there to step in and keep it all under control.
Not much going on here. Savannah and I went to the craft store & then I made myself go to the grocery store...with Savannah of course.
We watched the Children's Miracle Network Telethon. Danny had called me to say they did a segment on Eli. Savannah and I saw it when they repeated it. Then they were on LIVE!!!! I swear it was so great to see them! Dr. Ungar was with them....Savannah said that she will be able to identify his voice forever. I know I will. I see and hear snippets of the millions of conversations Dr Ungar, Jed and I had over the past 8 years. Some good...many not good. Right now, unfortunately, when I hear his voice I replay our conversation in the hallway on Dec. 30th. I see it in my head like I am floating above it all. Me, the Doc and Deanna. I remember waiting for them to say..."this is bad, but we can fix it"..or that there was a good med to try while at the same time I was thinking I cannot make Jed throw up again. He had been so nauseous for so long. I also remember thinking I wanted to sob and fall to the floor as my worst nightmares came true but I didn't want to upset the other parents on the wing. It was like a movie....but I had to live it and they were telling me Jed was going to die. I know on that wing it is not an uncommon occurrence....but only for others...not us...never Jed. I remember being told there were a few things we could try but I knew it was my job to save Jed from more hell. I knew what my decision had to be, I could not and would not torture him so I could spend a day or two more with him. My biggest fear was Jed would be scared. I had thought about this day many times....always telling myself I was being melodramatic and upsetting myself for no reason. Little did I know.... that I was preparing. My thoughts always went to the fact that I wanted him to just go to sleep. I did not want to see anymore fear on that sweet face. There were so many times when he looked to me for help and I had to tell him he must to do the scary stuff that hurt...I will never, ever get over that. Even thinking of all those times now, all the times he looked at me to save him from the hell and I didn't, I made him do all those scary, very painful things....it makes me nauseous. My stomach is actually cramping up writing this. All I wanted to do is save him....and I couldn't even do that. So because I had lived that moment in my head many times I knew what I had to say. I wanted pain meds and platelets...I wanted him to not know he was dying, no fear..just sleep and peace. I had to say..please stop all treatment. I had to actually make that decision, out loud and for real. It took what seemed like forever to get him sedated enough to not feel the pain...but we finally did. I wish now I had done so many other things..I wish I had said more, touched him more, picked him up and held him. I have so many "I wishes". They are pointless and I try not to dwell on them but they are there. Seeing Eli with Sue and Brett on TV, hearing his story and knowing he is ok right now makes me feel good. I watched a clip they did about Jan, the music therapy lady. They flashed through clips of a ton of kids.....a quick flash of Jackson was like a punch in the stomach....did you see that Trish? He was bald and sitting in his little bed, I think he was wearing a red T-shirt..I know it was him. Jan was playing the guitar for him. I saw many kids today that I have not seen in a long time....most still here....some are with Jed. I saw nurses, and childlife people and doctors..It was hard to not watch. Like a past life ...on TV. UGH...anyway I am so glad Eli is doing well. Jed thought he was the coolest kid ever.
Back to work tomorrow, school tomorrow night. I have been neglectful of my school work..so I am headed upstairs in a minute to study some notes I made on the movie I had to watch. Four classes left and 14 days of work left! Ten years and eight months of working at Harley Davidson is about to end. A bit scary but I am ready ...I think.
My Uncle called today, he invited Savannah and I to Colorado in early August to visit him and Carol for a few days. He also offered to rent us a car so we could drive around a bit. We are kicking around the idea to going to Taos...maybe Santa Fe. I remember loving Durango when I was there years ago....Savannah was 4. So we shall see. It sounds like a good time. Poor Danny, not only will I not be working I will be away too.
Ok, gotta go study. Sorry about all the morose stuff ..but hey...it is what it is...a saying I seem to use a lot these days.
Good night Baby Jed. Missing you oh so much. The last few days I really have been having trouble believing that this has actually happened. I am glad you are safe and healthy and happy. I cannot wait to see you again. Mommy loves you
Love J & K
PS Please check Savannah's blog (link is on the top right side of this page) all updates on the Memorial Luncheon will be on there. If this goes well we have big ambitions to start The Jedediah Thomas Smith Foundation....to raise money for the Four Diamonds Fund and also we would love to be able to give a small scholarship to a 4 Diamonds Child that gets admitted to Penn State...oh we have some grand ambitions.....but we have to see how this goes.

Jed introduced her to the magic of Nick Jr. cartoons!

Jed introduced her to the magic of Nick Jr. cartoons!
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

how cute are they??!!
Just getting through. Day by day...sometimes minute by minute.
Danny seems to be better..a bit. He is returning to work on Monday...that is enough to make anyone depressed, hope he is ok. Especially since I only have 14 working days left at HARLEY!!!! I feel bad for Danny though. He should probably keep his job until at least the end of the year...maybe longer. I am thinking he would make a great LPN or home health aid. He likes old people and is very patient with them....just a thought.
Looks like Grace and Mr. Jim are going to help spur the excavation for Jed's marker along. They know the digger guy. I am anxious to get it in...also very sad. All this is sad, the whole F'n thing is sad. Sad sad sad. UGH....I WANT MY KID
Sorry I am just really having a difficult time not being a mom. I mean I am a mom but the everyday day stuff I did for Jed and with Jed...the constant togetherness ..I am missing that. We were a great team. I see mother's out with their kids and I think of all the little things that I miss so much. Savannah, Jed and I are a very wonderful little crew. Of course Danny is part of our crew too but there were MANY times it was just us. Especially when they were younger. Just trips to the grocery store or whatever. I ALWAYS had them with me. We did EVERYTHING together. As Savannah got older she was often busy or she and I would run out to do things together but Jed was my constant companion. It's funny how those everyday, must be done, things that you do make such a lasting imprint. I always took both my kids everywhere with me even as infants. They are the funnest people I know. I am missing my son....my sweet funny little friend. So brave and strong, such a smart mouth on occasion, So very very smart and so heartbreaking. This is unfair, I hate to say that because nothing is fair but there are parents out there that do NOTHING with their kids or are not happy to even have their kids...but they do have them. I never wanted to be apart from my kids and I am forced to be. Unfair and very sucky...hate it. If I start to think about the fact that I am really going to have to live my life without my Jed I cannot function. Someone told me that I might be living in denial and I should empty his room and redo it....are you kidding me?? I don't think that is ever going to happen....I can't and I won't. Jed loves that room, it's HIS room. I'm sure this person was trying to help but I know I am not living in denial and i don't need an empty room to show me that he is not here. Besides no matter how crazy everyone thinks I am I know he hangs out in there.
Anyway same crap different day.
Good night Jeddie Spaghetti. mommy is missing you and as always.... Mommy loves you
love J & k

Jed and Bobby Sept 2007 Hershey Med

Even when Jed didn't feel good he usually got up to go see the dogs on Wednesdays. This was one of his faves...Bobby.

I took off today, helped Danny get some of his stuff out of the basement. He wants to set it up so he can use all his music stuff so it has to be emptied first. Good God that guy has a lot of "stuff". So at least it's on it's way to being empty.
We are STILL waiting for the person that does the digging at the cemetery to get the area ready to place Jed's stone. The stone has been ready for weeks now but we are STILL waiting. I am going to go dig the hole myself soon. They did finally even out all the dirt and put grass seed down. I was going to do that myself but I am glad they did.
I miss Jed.

Nighty Night Baby Jed. I am just missing you...so so so much. I hate this.
Mommy Loves you
Love J & K

Krooked and Mr Gamma Phi October 2009

Krooked and Mr Gamma Phi
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

This was taken at Jed's last Chemo Party.
I just have to hold onto the fact that Jed is healthy, safe and fear free. He is fine....we are not.
Missing you....so much
Mommy loves you
love J & K

A friend sent this to me...in 7 minutes it will be 5 months since I have seen his sweet face and held his soft hand...oh Jeddie

A Grieving Mother's Manifesto

This is my path. It was not a path of my choice, but it is a path I must walk mindfully with intention. It is a journey through grief that takes time.

Every cell in my body aches and longs to be with my beloved child. I may be impatient, distracted, frustrating, and unfocused. I may get angry more easily, or I may seem hopeless. I will shed many, many, many tears. I won’t smile as often as my old self. Smiling hurts now. Most everything hurts some days, even breathing. Just sit beside me. Say nothing. Do not offer a cure. Or a pill, or a word, or a potion.

Witness my suffering and don't turn away.

Be gentle with me.

Please, self, be gentle with me, too.

I will not ever "get over it" so please don’t urge me down that path. Even if it seems like I am having a good day, maybe I am even able to smile, the pain is just beneath the surface of my skin. Some days, I feel paralyzed. My chest has a nearly constant sinking pain and sometimes I feel as if I will explode from the grief. This is affecting me as a woman, a mother, a human being. It affects every aspect of me: spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore.

Remember that grief is as personal to each individual as a fingerprint. Don't tell me how I should or shouldn’t be doing it or that I should or shouldn’t “feel better by now.” Don't tell me what's right or wrong. I'm doing it my way, in my time. If I am to survive this, I must do what is best for me.

Surviving this means seeing life’s meaning change and evolve. What I knew to be true or absolute or real or fair about the world has been radically challenged so I'm finding my way, moment-to-moment in this new place. Things that once seemed important to me are barely thoughts any longer. I notice life's suffering more- hungry children, the homeless and the destitute, a mother’s harsh voice toward her young child or an elderly person struggling with the door. So many things I struggle to understand.

Don’t tell me that “God has a plan” for me. This, my friend, is between me and my God.

Those platitudes seem far too easy when slipping from the mouths of those who tuck their own child into a safe, warm bed at night: Can you begin to imagine your own child, flesh of your flesh, lying lifeless in a casket, when “goodbye” means you’ll never see them on this Earth again? Grieving mothers- and fathers- and grandparents- and siblings won’t wake up one day with everything ’okay’ and life back to normal. We have a new normal now.

Oh, perhaps as time passes, I will discover new meanings and insights about what my child’s death means to me. Perhaps, one day, when I am very, very old, I will say that time has truly helped to heal my broken heart. But always remember that not a second of any minute of any hour of any day passes when I am not aware of the presence of her absence, no matter how many years lurk over my shoulder.

Love never dies.

So this year, on Mother’s Day, don’t forget that I have another one, another child, whose absence, like the sky, is spread over everything (C.S. Lewis).

Don’t forget to say, “How are you really feeling this Mother’s Day?” Don’t forget that even if I have living children, my heart still aches for the one that is absent—for I am never quite complete without my child. And because love is much, much, much bigger than Death.

Jed and his Mr. Jim! Christmas Eve 2008

Jed and his Mr. Jim!

A pic of Jed and Jim.

Don't know why I picked this picture...but i did. Jed and Jim were great buddies. Jim did "outside" stuff and "woods" stuff with Jed. He loved it.
Nothing really new to write about today. Many ups and downs....even in just a span of minutes. It can be rather tiring.
I am ready to be finished at Harley. I am hoping there are not 150 people above me that want to take the lay off..that would suck.
Missing my Jed. God that sounds so inadequate...really there are just no words to describe the missing....every second, every breath is filled with it. I hate it. I hate that our future was so abruptly crushed. I am happy that Jed is happy and healthy, he is fine....we are not. I work very hard to not think of the horrors he endured and the fears he faced. I try to keep my focus on his beautiful smile and the light and love he brought to everyone. It was much easier to do this when he was actually physically right here with me. Seeing him, being with him ALWAYS made everything ok. I can't wait to be with him again. Never thought I would be in a hurry to grow old and die...but I am! Hurry up
Baby Jed I am thinking of you every second. Mommy Loves you
Love J & K

Meg and Jer's wedding October 2008

014
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Me and my Baby.
I worked with June today and she seems to have a link to Jed somehow. It's pretty cool. We talked about him a lot. Near the end of the day she bent down to pick up some dropped bolts and there was a quarter with them! Neither of us had had any change out and she said she saw the bolts earlier but was too lazy to pick them up. There was no quarter with them earlier. So that was June's quarter from Jed to thank her for passing messages along and also for helping me see the meaning in messages I get.
I miss my kid. I really really miss my kid.
Baby Jed, everyday I feel like I am floating, you were my tether, my purpose. I miss your sweet face and constant presence. I still have a very hard time believing you are not upstairs sleeping. Really, how could you be gone? You are my life...you cannot be gone. Your sweet, funny, loving, self ...so strong, and brave. Always here, always with me. I hate this. I wish I wish I wish
Mommy loves you
Love J & K