June 2007 Grace and Jim's pool

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

I don't really know what to say today....I know, what a shocker. 3 more days of work left. I have mixed feelings about that. I am very glad to be leaving. I do not want to hang around and watch them piece out our department...and farm out our people. But I am kind of wondering what it will be like to be home .....without Jed. I feel very much at loose ends when I am at home. I always feel as if I am waiting....but what I am waiting for will never come. All the days are hard....some are just excruciating. I feel that if I wore this devastation and trauma on the outside everyone would have to look away. It would be too hard to look at. But, it's all on the inside,,,,so most people think I am ok, that I am just like them. I am not. People that have lost a child are forever damaged inside. It is not a wound that heals. Everyday it is ripped open.... over and over. Wow how dramatic that sounds, but it's the truth. It does not get better. The longer I am apart from Jed the worse it is. The missing him, missing the everyday "Jed" stuff, is almost intolerable. I hate it.
Soooo, anyway. That's all. I have stuff I need to do....but I really don't feel like doing anything.
Jeddie love, living everyday without you here is really sucky. I try to only think about the fun times, your laugh and that smile. When the dark things start in my head, the pain, fear, sickness...etc...it is hard to make it stop. It takes a lot of energy but I know that is not what you want me to be remembering. I try, I work hard at it everyday, I do it for you.. I know that is what you want. Mommy loves you spaghetti head.
Love J & k