Jed and his "women of summer"....Ashlyn and Hayley Althoff. He loves these girls and he loves this family. Hayley had a birthday party last year and raised $3,000 for the Four Diamonds Fund in honor of Jed....and she had never met him. Then, after knowing him only a few months, asked to speak at his service. How amazing is she? We can't wait to see them at the luncheon.



Speaking of the luncheon...it is crunch time. Savannah is freaking out a bit but she really has it all under control. "When I tell you what I want you to do I have to do it like five times"......and that's before I have had any of my peach wine from Nana. Poor Savannah. It will all be over soon and I know she will pull off an amazing event. This is something she does extremely well and I'm positive there are many many more things to come.
One of our THON dancers last year, Todd Hoffman (an Acacia brother), and his family are graciously donating a 32" LCD tv and a Best Buy gift card for "tv accessories" to our silent auction!!! Awesoommmee!! We are just waiting to get delivery information set up.
So many people have really gone over and above to help us make this event terrific. Thanks to the lovely Karen Simon....the programs look great!
It has been raining here all day. At some points it looked like a monsoon. Needless to say I did not go to the cemetery today. I am there about six times a week...but remember....it is right across the street. Anyway, Tuesday night I stopped by to drop off balloons and a flower cake for Jed's birthday yesterday. It was pitch black and as soon as I pulled in it started to pour. I debated about getting out but I wanted the stuff to be there when the sun came up and it was his birthday. I put everything out and noticed my cousin had left his business card (his way of saying "I was here"). As I was looking at the business card on the stone I realized all the quarters everyone has been leaving were gone. :( I knew it wouldn't last. I am not too upset about that because I knew it would happen. When I turned around to go back to my car, sad and a bit disappointed, I noticed the headstone right in front of Jed"s was knocked over. Now that is uncool. I called the police, a very nice officer came out and made a report and called the caretaker. The officer got a bit choked up when he saw Jed's stone. The broken stone has been fixed and it was the only one knocked over. Let's hope it stays that way. Geeze, that can create some bad karma...those kids better do something nice to balance that out! So that is the excitement of my life. My living room is packed with auction stuff.....can't wait to see everyone and can't wait for you all to bid on the cool stuff we have. :)



Good night Jeddie. Saturday is almost here. I know you will be right there with us and I know you are so proud of your sister. You should leave her another quarter in the toilet. Ahh, my Jed, the missing you gets bigger everyday. It takes my breath away. My days are so empty and hollow without you here filling it all up. Quiet too, no smart comments, funny giggles and tv commentary. It sucks. Again, a day over is a day closer to you. Mommy Loves You....
Love J & K

Happy Birthday Jedediah Thomas Smith....



You are loved and missed beyond words by too many people to count....



Jed has given us many gifts but the best are all the people he has brought into our lives. He knew his absence would leave a hole so large that we would need many many people to help keep us going. So once again...Jed has taken care of us. I would love to write something eloquent and moving but really....not my style. We love all of you very much. From our delivered dinner from Grace to flowers and photo albums from Mom and Nana, drop by visits from Hop, phone calls, texts and many, many messages of hope and love, we appreciate each and everyone. I tried hard to not think too deeply about what today really is. It's just too much, just too hard. Thank you to everyone for continuing to help us keep going. And thank you Jeddie for making sure we are taken care of.



Jed, I'm too tired to write about how much I miss you. All the hopes and dreams, the things I thought we would be doing and how much fun we would have...I can't talk about all that has been lost but I am grateful for what I have been given and what I can keep with me. My memories and the love we share will always carry me through. Don't get me wrong...I am not happy about all this AT ALL but I will hold on to what you have given and keep on. Not marching or anything, more like a plod but I will just keep going. Everyday down is a day closer to you. Happy Birthday Mr. Teenager. I hope your days are filled with sunshine and love, fun and laughter.
Mommy Loves you baby Jed.
Love J & K

June 1997....waiting for the Rock Star..



The waiting room at the hospital....Savannah and Darlin' waiting for their brother



And here he is!!


Mommo and Jed



Hop and Baby Jed


Sink bath!


So tomorrow is Jed's 13th birthday. What can I say really....Such a beautiful soul we were so very lucky to have him.
Mommy Loves you Baby Jed
Love J & K

Jed's 8th birthday :)



Jed turns 9



Again, I don't have much to say. Just trying to keep going. It's exhausting.

Goodnight Spaghetti. There are no words to tell you how much I miss you. There just are no words. Mommy loves you so very much
Love J & K

Jed, rockin' his 5th birthday at The Red Lion Bowling Alley ...the one on the far right is DJ!!!!



The 5th Birthday present....


I don't think I have much to write about tonight.

Jeddie love....I want you home...now. I am tired of this, I don't like it. The missing you gets bigger and bigger everyday.
Mommy Love You
Love J & K

I have been watching this plant ALL summer. I could not remember what I planted there but I knew it was something! It finally bloomed yesterday....

and of course it's a daisy!!!
I can't say that I remember exactly picking that out. I thought Jed and I got all pink, white and pale blue but hey now there is a HUGE daisy plant with yellow centered daises! I'll take it!
Bike night 2006 and Jed's 9th birthday....


Jed's 8th birthday.. we took the boys to ride go-carts and bumper boats...


We had dinner at my mom and dad's today. Uncle Vance came in to see Gram and they came to dinner. It was great to see him. Adam was at work but Livi-mac was there with Tiersa. It was a nice afternoon. This evening Savannah and I ran around and did luncheon stuff. We had some posters printed with all the raffle items on it and a few other things. Everyone keeps reminding me that she will not be here next year so I will be doing it all....um, we will see. Not too sure about that.
I think that's really all that is new.....nothing really.
Missing my guy.
Jed your absence is huge. Everyone says life is just flying by...I say lets go lets go...get movin. Can't wait until the day I get to be with you again. You and your sister are in the most opposite places you could ever be. I hate that I cannot be in both.
Mommy loves you baby Jed.
Love J & K

Jed, Grand Marshal of the 2008 Bike Night Parade!!!! It was VERY cool! He and Danny led the parade, with Dad and I right behind them.



Jed and Officer Buchkoski



Tonight is the Bike night parade. Last year Danny and I went but Jed stayed with Mommo and Hop for a couple of hours. He wasn't feeling well enough to go. This year we did not go.



This is Jon. He made it all happen. It was his idea to have Jed as Grand Marshal. I am so glad we have those memories. Like so many, they are at the same time, extremely painful and beautiful.

Here he is being interviewed for the news!

I think there are still links on the right side of the blog to the videos of that night. I haven't checked them lately. I can look at pictures (most of the time) but I cannot watch videos.
Ok, I have to go. Sometimes thinking about things makes me sick to my stomach...
Good night baby love. I hope there is a reason I am stuck here living without you because it is torture.
Mommy loves you ....forever
Love J & K

First I want to say Happy Birthday to my beautiful cousin, Kimberley. She is a rockin' mom of 3...you would never guess that she was.....40! Welcome to the club chicky. :)

Kimberley's husband leaves in November for Afghanistan. At some point, while he is gone, I am going out to visit. (They live in Ca). I wish I could be there this weekend for the big party but I will go out and make myself a big distraction while Tony is gone. :)

This has nothing to do with anything I just like this picture.

Oh Jeddie, Nothing is ok without you.

Ok, everyone we are getting close. A week and a day away. Oct 2nd, The Great American Saloon 11-4. Come eat, bring the kids for face painting, listen to music, bid on cool items and join in the HUGE raffle...so many prizes in that raffle! Do all this while raising money to help cure childhood cancer. I hope to see many many of you. Come, bring friends and as you help cure childhood cancer you can help us celebrate Jed's 13th Birthday. I can't wait to see everyone.
Tammy, my lovely psychologist, I can't remember if I ever asked you to come...maybe if you don't have to work??
We received a beautiful piece of original artwork for the auction today. THE wonderful and talented John Heindel did an ink drawing for us..


He even had it framed...



The pictures don't do it justice. It is beautiful and created just for us.



Just a random picture of my guys last August.
I love you Jed. I took yellow flowers to the cemetery today. Just felt you needed some yellow....HA, I just thought....that was your first word...well-wo..! Well there are well-wo flowers over there now. Missing you sweat pea...
Mommy Loves you
Love J & K

How cute is he???



Long day at school. When I pulled into the parking lot this morning exactly as I parked Gives You Hell by the All American Rejects came on. That is one of Jed's favorite songs. Thanks Jeddie!!! I didn't give anyone hell but hey...



This is Jed and Autumn...she is 13 today. Exactly 1 week older than Jed. Happy Birthday beautiful Autumn!

I am tired, headed to bed. I am trying not to fixate on the fact that I have to do a presentation in two of my classes by the end of the semester. Blugh, gag . There is nothing worse to do for a class than a presentation.
Ok, good night Jeddie Spaghetti. Missing you...of course. What are you doing where ever you are? I hate not knowing. I hate all of this, everything. I miss your sweet shining face and your always, forever smile. I miss your smart ass comments and your twisted view of things. I miss arguing with you and talking with you. Singing in the car alone is nothing close to when you were there to sing too. I miss every single thing about you, every single thing you brought to my life. I have to keep reminding myself that I am grateful and lucky to have had you here for 12 years. I have wonderful memories and I know you are here with me now,....just not exactly how I want. Mommy Loves You always......
Love J & K

I am watching our show Jed....The Biggest Loser AND I am eating ice cream. I know your here. :) I didn't even think of going to get something "special" to eat for the premier like we used to but Danny randomly came down stairs, walked by and said "I'll be back I need ice cream". Perfect timing. I didn't even recognize the perfectness of it until Danny said. "if I keep eating this I will have to be on there". Oh my Jeddie...Guess I better stock up on "Tuesday night food".
So I was standing on the deck...because our stupid dog wouldn't go out unless I did. I was thinking I should walk to the cemetery, it's been a few days. I then decided no, I'm going back in to work on my paper. As I was standing there, getting ready to go in, there was a huge commotion from the neighbors tree. It was so loud...and then three crows flew out. They flew all around the back yard and the house making all kinds of noise. I had to laugh, they were comical. I knew it was Jed and my grandfathers saying..."Take a walk, get some air". I came back in the house and sat down. I said, "Jed I don't want to walk over tonight".....then my Internet went out. Savannah's works fine...I cannot get on our own network. Even now, two hours later. Anyway, I put my shoes on and walked to the cemetery. I literately could feel Jed making me go. As I walked into the cemetery I noticed the moon. It was so pretty.

Then I looked down, there was dead grass everywhere. Right next to my foot was one little daisy.


I picked it. I knew it was for me. Two of the mediums I have seen said Jed is giving you daises. As I started to walk I realized the things I thought were dogs off to the right of the cemetery were really goats and there were two babies....jumping and flipping, it was hysterical. I stood there for the longest time watching and laughing. When I got to Jed's stone I saw that Jase had changed the vehicle he leaves for Jed, there was also pumpkin confetti all over his stones and flowers right in the center of the stone. Now I know why he wanted me over there. I moved the flowers to the side, evened up all the quarters and made sure the confetti was not on the letters. He likes things neat!

Just as I finished his light came on. I left my daisy with my seashells.

I think Jed wanted things straightened up and he knew I needed some air. It's funny how sometimes I can hear him or just feel his presence especially when he wants me to do something!
So except for sitting on the bed writing my Environmental Science paper the walk was the biggest part of my day. Now I must return to the paper. Getting close to being finished. YAY
Thanks Jed for pushing me out the door. Sometimes I can feel you right here and other times I am so sad I know you can't get through. I'm working on that but the missing is just so big. Mommy Loves You baby Jed.
Love J & K
Dear God Jed, there is a woman on the biggest loser that lost her three year old son to cancer....oh guess you already knew that.

I have no idea what these two are doing....I'm sure it's something they shouldn't..

Thanksgiving 2008 a holiday memory to treasure. Jed's favorite holiday...being the "foodie" he is.

Today Jaz's mom, Tammy, text Savannah to tell her she had a hello from Jed. She said as she was driving from the hospital she was talking to "anyone up there that would listen". As soon as she stopped talking a digital time and temp sign grabbed her attention....it was 2:22 and 66 degrees. Tammy said she knew immediately that Jed heard her. I know Jed will hold her hand and give her strength. Jaz starts chemo again tomorrow and is to have a "mini" transplant from her previous donor to help build the cells. I won't give you all the other details, just send her strength and loving thoughts. I just looked up at the clock it's 7:55. Jed and his numbers. It is my constant reminder that he is right here with me.
I spoke with Kate today. That is Dan's nephew's wife. Our soon to be St. Croix hosts. I am excited to go. This will be very different for Savannah and I. When we go somewhere and stay with others, 98% of the time it is our family. This will be all Dan's. His sister is coming from California also. So it will be a full house but tons of fun I'm sure. Sun, warmth and turquoise water..what's not to like!
I skipped my computer class today. I don't feel great. It's one of those things that comes and goes. It's never bad enough to stay in bed but some days I just ache all over & then it goes away for days. I didn't miss anything in that class anyway. I think I did ok on my environmental science test today. We'll see on Wednesday.

Ocean City 2008...the water was pretty cold! Love this picture.
Jed, I feel like I'm living in limbo. I am waiting for something but I don't know what. The luncheon? Maybe, but it feels bigger than that or maybe it's just because I have no tether. Your not here to give me purpose and focus. When I was driving to school this morning over the bridge the view was beautiful. The sun was shining on the water and the trees were so green. It's really hard to comprehend that fall is coming. Last year we were trying to keep your last chemo a secret so we could surprise you and I was planning your end of chemo party. There was such hope. I really thought if I acted and thought there was only one outcome I could force it to be so. Welp, now I know, it doesn't work that way. I have to say though, every time I start to write about you making it through transplant and all that came after.....I would not want that for you. I would not want you to just keep struggling. I am so happy for you, you are healthy and free from all that hell. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that this is my life now....but I am so very very happy for you. Like I have said many times....I would never wish you home and back to that. But oh my...I miss you so. Mommy loves you.
Love J & K

Today my Gram is 88. This is a birthday picture from last year. My mom, me, Gram, Jed and Aunt Paula.


this was this morning with Livi-Mac

She is amazing. Happy Birthday Gram

I was going to write about our trip to the York Fair but my greasy food, chocolate milkshake high is wearing off. We were only there for a bit over an hour and I probably ate enough calories and fat for three days. I had to make Jed proud. I had a funnel cake, Danny had fried orioles, we had toasted almonds, Bricker's french fries and a chocolate milk shake. Yummy. I was wishing I still ate hot dogs so I could toast Jed with a corn dog. If you want to people watch and feel like Miss Universe while you eat the worst food in the world go to the York Fair. Amazing. My favorite was the extremely large lady on the scooter thing who's basket on the front was over flowing with fried food...she was eating as she rode...wow.
Oh my.
School tomorrow, my first exam...at 9:30am. UGH.

Jeddie, missing you... missing you.... missing you. I ate a funnel cake for you...and your Bricker's fries. ugh. I am so full! The fair was crazy, it gave Peopleofwalmart.com a run for it's money. Mommy Loves you sweet pea..so very much, forever and ever.
Love J & K

Oh what a pair....



Studying, studying, studying....I need better lighting in my kitchen before I go blind. A fireplace would be great too...it's freakin' cold.
Danny talked me into a ride today. I'm glad he did. If not I would not have moved from this chair. The weather was beautiful. Not too cold. Great riding weather. It's ok for it to be like this once in awhile but I would be much happier if it stayed in the high 80's. Guess I'm outta luck with that. Yuck.
I am watching Divine Design....and guess what....the house they are in belongs to a ..wait for it , wait for it...oh yeah, a pediatric oncologist...WTH..I cannot escape...ever.
While we were out riding I had this thought...what if we pulled into the driveway at The Ranch (my family's home for over 30 years) and when we pulled in it was nine years ago. Then maybe we could do this all again and things would be different. Different decisions, maybe different outcomes. Many "what ifs", "I wish", "turn left instead of right", "choose that not this", "do this now not later". I know a complete waste of energy but, well whatever. wow if I could write better that would be a cool book...way too depressing to read though.

Anyway I am just trying very hard to not study....but I so need to study. Things don't seem to stay in my head very well.

My funny friend, I would never make you go through it all again. Even if it meant I could be your mom again....raise my kids again. I would not do that to you...so I can't even wish you home. Ugh, big deep breath, so the luncheon things are coming along. Still lots to do but we are getting there. I hope it turns out well. Savannah is working so very hard. Well, not at this second. At this second she is in Happy Valley. We don't want to know what she is doing :) As long as she is having fun and being 19 a bit. Um. maybe you could check on her? Missing you baby Jed, every minute of every day....every second of every night.
Mommy Loves You.
Love J & K

Jed and Savannah at a wedding 2008..how freaking funny is he in that hat!! He was the best man...don't ask how long the marriage lasted....


Studying...studying...127 flashcards of legal terms....and I haven't gotten past the 3rd chapter of the book. Exam on Monday in Environmental science. Six chapters for that. Fun. what am I doing to myself? I am still looking for that job where I sit on the beach and read books. If anyone knows of an opening somewhere please let me know.

The hat just cracks me up.

Even Danny had to try the hat. oh my

Good night Jeddie. I am missing you so very much. Check on Jaz and I heard Aaron is back there again. Check on him too. Cancer sucks Jed. Really truly. Sprinkle some fairy dust on our nurses they need support and help too. One more day down, one day closer to you. Mommy Loves You baby Jed
Love J & K

Jed opening his birthday gifts last year. I haven't posted this because it's crazy looking but it's really funny and I love his long skinny arms :) He opened a box and it was a game he had been wanting badly! What a nut!

He was saying "I finally got it"...like he ever had to wait very long for a game!

Didn't do much today. I am supposed to be doing school work. Um...having motivation issues. UGH. I did get my hair cut and my gray roots fixed. Did I just say that....oops. I let my mom make me lunch...how kind of me right? I saw Livi-Mac today. She has a cold so her deep voice is deeper than normal....funny kid. I taught her Jed's sign off..."Peace Out" she got it....with a few confused fingers.
Oh, my help from Jed moment of the day. Amy Dietz gave me the name of the place to have a custom art work stamp made when I saw her Monday eve. Today, as I was driving to get beautified, I was thinking, oh crap I cannot remember the name of the stamp place. I will have to ask Amy again. I stopped at the light, shaking my head at myself because nothing stays in my brain for more than 10 mins. I look to my left and a van pulls up next to me it says, in HUGE letters, "Atlas signs and custom Stamps" ....AH HA...yup that is the place. Thanks Jed.

Our t-shirts for the luncheon have arrived....they look awesome.

You can get your very own at the luncheon.... $10.00 each. Don't forget to come join us on Oct. 2nd. You will be able to get tickets at the door if you'd like. I realized today while mailing out a ticket to our nurse practitioner that I have been spelling her name wrong...forever. Not a big surprise for me I guess. I do it often. Her name is DEANA . I have no clue why I thought there was an extra n. Sorry Deana. Hope to see you and as much of 7 west as possible. Clinic too!!!!

Good night Jeddie. I dusted your room. I talked to you the whole time like you were in your bed... you probably were. :) It was a quick dust job though. I cannot hang out in there too long. It's just too much. Missing you...of course.
Mommy Loves You
love J & K

My Peeps...



Ok, I'm tired so no rambling tonight....I know your thinking oh thank god. Anywho....Jaz and family.....I have no words only hugs and love...keep going, just keep going. Our Texas Thomas.....YAY clean spinal fluid is a beautiful thing. You are amazing.

Today after what is becoming my Wed ritual ...lunch at Sub Way with myself and my kindle, I got to my car, pulled my phone out of my bag and there was a quarter stuck to the back of my phone right in the center.. :) thanks Spaghetti.

Jed, I heard you giggling in my environmental science class when the guy with the cane said to the prof. "I have to RUN out to my car real quick". I swear I heard you and I almost choked trying not to laugh. That is so not right. Then I know you were giggling again when the same guy started snoring during the lecture and he sits in the FRONT of the class. I was so distracted by him I missed part of the lecture...I probably got as much as he did and he got a nap!
Oh baby Jed, I miss you so very much. Keep a close eye on Jaz and help Thomas keep moving forward. and look after your sister....her Kyle is headed off to Drexel. I can hear you saying "oh Kyyyle". Yup big shoes is off to college and Fred is sad. You have a lot on your plate...many people need you. Your such a good boy. Mommy loves you ...always and more and more
Love J & K

Last year's Four Miles for Four Diamonds;



John, Cindy, Dr. Comito, Jed and Holly
I wonder how John is doing? He was such a sweet guy. He had a brain tumor and was so brave through his surgery and treatment. He used to play Foosball with Jed at clinic. Just a really wonderful boy, he even manged to graduate with his class with all he was battling. Amazing. I hope his mom still has him.
There are so many kids I wonder and worry about. There was a boy Holly called Smiley, he was super into basketball. We happened to have clinic and infusion with him all through March Madness one year. The last time I knew anything about him was probably two tears ago. I saw his dad on the phone in the hall outside the same day surgery area. I looked and him and he closed his eyes and shook his head. I am hoping it was just a bad day. There was a little boy that held a little blue stuffed bunny all the time in clinic...i think he was two. His parents were Mennonite and really nice people. One time when we were in the infusion room there was a man with his son. The kid was not a cancer kid but he was severely disabled. I felt bad for his dad as it was so obvious that he was having a hard time dealing. He also really pissed me off . He spent our whole day....it was just us...ugh, anyway he talked all day about how no one would give him an answer about whether he could just stop treatment for his son. Now what I got out of it was that the treatments were not for an illness but more of a maintence type thing to help battle the disabilities in some way. He was insistent that his son could not understand anything....how does he know that? I hate to judge...but of course I do...why would you talk like that in front of your child. People came in Drs and stuff from other parts of the hospital to speak to him and he would not leave the room he just talked about all this right in front of this boy. It was sad. Thank god Jed was sleeping. Then there is Miles. Oh what a trip. I really love this kid. His mom told me he has some kind of degenerative brain disorder and will continue to get worse but the kid was funny. He had difficulty speaking clearly, he would react slowly but only because I think he was making sure it came out right. He was such a smart ass and SO in love with Megan...one of the aides. Jed got a huge chuckle out of him. There are just so very many. All heartbreaking. I remember when Jed was finishing treatment the first time. There was a woman with her sons in the infusion room. Her oldest was sick. He had ALL and relapsed. He was sitting there saying , "mom I'm sick, mom I'm gonna puke, mom I need a bucket". She kept saying, "you are not sick you haven't even had anything yet blah blah. Needless to say he puked on her shoes. Jed and I had to hide our faces while we giggled and I know I saw that kid crack a smile. She said something to me that haunted me from that day on...still does now. She said, "he was good for 18 months, you just watch out. Yup 18 months and you will be right here too". Jed relapsed at 18 months out. Her husband was in the military and was transferred somewhere so they had to change hospitals. I was not sad to see her leave. Yes, so many. Eight years worth of children. Some with no chance at all. Like sweet little Sammy, that came with her Grammy. She is gone now. Her high pitched giggle used to give Jed a headache! But then there are kids that I thought for sure would never make it and they are doing fine. It is so random and so hard to understand and it gives me those moments where I think WHY my kid. I have always tried to avoid that because really , why not my kid, but sometimes I can't help it. I mean come on...I don't remember what it was like to live in that golden glow where the thought of childhood cancer is something you hear about, feel sad for a moment & your life moves on....in your golden glow. I can't remember that feeling. I know I had it at one time but now I cannot even remember it. I miss my son and I wonder if anyone thinks of him the way I think of all those kids. They all are so brave and so beautiful. I really miss my son.
Last night as I was going to bed Family Guy was on. I started to turn it off but i waited a minute. Brian was talking about cheating in college and Stewie told him, "everyone cheats, remember Ashley Simpson". They showed her doing her SNL thing were she got caught lip syncing. She was dancing, held the mike up to her mouth and this deep voice says "old man riiivvverrr". I had to laugh. That was so Jed! I loved when he would randomly sing Old Man River. Just like he heard Danny do for years. When I left this afternoon to run around and get some stuff for the luncheon there was a little black butterfly sitting on the deck step. I got one quick picture of it and then it flew away. Jed is here, with me but just not the way I want.

Thank you Jeddie. I know I am a lot of work but I am glad your so good at all this stuff. Still missing you....I knew it would never be better but I didn't count on the fact that it gets worse everyday....but why wouldn't it. Oh Jeddie, say hi to Emmitt for me.
Mommy loves you
Love J & K

Your sister just called from the Lady Gag concert....remember when you asked me what a poker face was? or when you said the song Paparazzi sounded like bubble- otzy. You would have freaked at her meat outfit on TV last night!!!

May God bless and keep you always, May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others and let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars and climb on every rung
May you stay forever young

Jed and D at Busch Gardens Sept 2009



On Monday and Wednesday I drive right by D's house heading to and from school. Today I actually stopped. It was good to see D, Amy and Morgan. Missed Dave and Conner this stop, I'm sure I will see them soon. Amy and her friend Kim have a new venture. They have a space at a craft store in Spry. Very cool primitive stuff. It's all handmade but the Dietz clan and Kim. It was good to see them.

We are down to less than a month before the luncheon.....I hope to see ALL of you there!!!
We are still receiving things for the silent auction and the raffle. Come check it out.

Good night baby Jed. The days seem harder...... everyday is harder than the one before. Your absence is heartbreaking. I know everyone is missing you...but I think only another cancer mom can understand what this separation feels like. It's all, more than all and then it's nothing...so quickly. It is very very hard to understand and even harder to deal with. Ugh... Anyway I have to say it was super cool of you to give DJ a quarter on his 1st day of Jr. High. ....that is really rockin'. And yes when the big Dietz Farm Tractor Trailer pulled in front of me I knew I was to stop and visit...I did. Thanks also for the smile you sent with the car that parked beside me at school....with on of your fave websites on the "window". I actually laughed out loud!



Missing you desperately.
Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

Baby Jed....



I'm sure I put this picture up before...but look at him. Oh my goodness.
I am supposed to be reading and studying but...I have a focus issue. The weather was yucky today. Cold, raining , definitely not my kind of weather.
School tomorrow. I have a project I am working on for Business Law. I have to interview someone then relate their job to law. Of course who did I pick.....pediatric oncology nurses. Shelly, one of our 7 west nurses, very graciously said she would answer my questions and make it a team effort. Thanks Shelly. The way I am relating it to law is to get answers to all the things I wondered about. How do the nurses handle custody disputes, juvenile offenders, foster children, religious issues and things like that. The only thing I am worried about is that I have to also do a presentation....not quite sure how I will do that. I remember when Jed was off treatment and I did a speech on THON for my Cass class....I made it to the end and then started to cry. I know for a fact that unless I keep it completely away from personal experiences I will not even make it 2 minutes much less 8-10. So I have to figure out a way to do this presentation and keep it all together. UGH, I don't think you should ever be required to do any kind of presentation in front of a class unless your major is communications or teaching where it would be important. It's not fair to those of us that just do not have that type of personality. I wonder if I could take Savannah with me to do the actual presentation...I could be the "director". Oh and to make it even better, this is the professor that YELLS all the time. If you answer a question, even if you are right he will yell. For some reason I don't like yelling anymore....it is hard for me to take. Maybe I will have to take something to make me feel lovely that day. I would rather slur and make it through than to speak clearly and fall apart. What have I gotten myself into? I don't even know what KIND of presentation to do. Fun Fun.
We are really into the final stages of the luncheon. Still waiting on a few last minute donations. The Avon clan sent us an IPOD Nano...the new one with the touch screen!! Awesome...thank you guys so much. We go this week to pick up a painting from the lovely Adrienne Stein..she is fabulous and so very kind to donate a painting,,,OMG how cool is that? I am so excited about it. Here is the link to her website.
http://www.adriennestein.com/Adrienne_Stein/Home.html
She is incredible.
I have to go back to studying now. I really need to sit down and scan in some pictures so I don't keep using ones I know you have already seen...but it is SO hard to look at them that I keep putting it off.
I am really looking forward to seeing everyone on Oct 2nd. Family, friends (old and new), PSU family and of course clinic/hospital family. I hope a lot of you come. PLEASE come....how pathetic is that??!!
Jeddie my love....I seem to be having some trouble keeping it all together lately. Everything seems a bit pointless and everything is SO hard. I know I have to keep going and do something but I wish I knew what. I just have NO idea because all I want ....is you. When people say "appreciate what you have instead of worrying about what you can't have", I don't think those people are missing their kids. Because that is impossible for those of us trying to adjust to our altered lives. To work so hard, for so long. To have such hope and then for it all to be gone, it is almost impossible to explain the feelings that go with this. I just miss you. AAHH Eminem is on the VMA's. All I can see is you walking around the house saying, "my name is, my name is, my name is ...Slim Shady"
Mommy Loves You....
Love J & K