Last year's Four Miles for Four Diamonds;



John, Cindy, Dr. Comito, Jed and Holly
I wonder how John is doing? He was such a sweet guy. He had a brain tumor and was so brave through his surgery and treatment. He used to play Foosball with Jed at clinic. Just a really wonderful boy, he even manged to graduate with his class with all he was battling. Amazing. I hope his mom still has him.
There are so many kids I wonder and worry about. There was a boy Holly called Smiley, he was super into basketball. We happened to have clinic and infusion with him all through March Madness one year. The last time I knew anything about him was probably two tears ago. I saw his dad on the phone in the hall outside the same day surgery area. I looked and him and he closed his eyes and shook his head. I am hoping it was just a bad day. There was a little boy that held a little blue stuffed bunny all the time in clinic...i think he was two. His parents were Mennonite and really nice people. One time when we were in the infusion room there was a man with his son. The kid was not a cancer kid but he was severely disabled. I felt bad for his dad as it was so obvious that he was having a hard time dealing. He also really pissed me off . He spent our whole day....it was just us...ugh, anyway he talked all day about how no one would give him an answer about whether he could just stop treatment for his son. Now what I got out of it was that the treatments were not for an illness but more of a maintence type thing to help battle the disabilities in some way. He was insistent that his son could not understand anything....how does he know that? I hate to judge...but of course I do...why would you talk like that in front of your child. People came in Drs and stuff from other parts of the hospital to speak to him and he would not leave the room he just talked about all this right in front of this boy. It was sad. Thank god Jed was sleeping. Then there is Miles. Oh what a trip. I really love this kid. His mom told me he has some kind of degenerative brain disorder and will continue to get worse but the kid was funny. He had difficulty speaking clearly, he would react slowly but only because I think he was making sure it came out right. He was such a smart ass and SO in love with Megan...one of the aides. Jed got a huge chuckle out of him. There are just so very many. All heartbreaking. I remember when Jed was finishing treatment the first time. There was a woman with her sons in the infusion room. Her oldest was sick. He had ALL and relapsed. He was sitting there saying , "mom I'm sick, mom I'm gonna puke, mom I need a bucket". She kept saying, "you are not sick you haven't even had anything yet blah blah. Needless to say he puked on her shoes. Jed and I had to hide our faces while we giggled and I know I saw that kid crack a smile. She said something to me that haunted me from that day on...still does now. She said, "he was good for 18 months, you just watch out. Yup 18 months and you will be right here too". Jed relapsed at 18 months out. Her husband was in the military and was transferred somewhere so they had to change hospitals. I was not sad to see her leave. Yes, so many. Eight years worth of children. Some with no chance at all. Like sweet little Sammy, that came with her Grammy. She is gone now. Her high pitched giggle used to give Jed a headache! But then there are kids that I thought for sure would never make it and they are doing fine. It is so random and so hard to understand and it gives me those moments where I think WHY my kid. I have always tried to avoid that because really , why not my kid, but sometimes I can't help it. I mean come on...I don't remember what it was like to live in that golden glow where the thought of childhood cancer is something you hear about, feel sad for a moment & your life moves on....in your golden glow. I can't remember that feeling. I know I had it at one time but now I cannot even remember it. I miss my son and I wonder if anyone thinks of him the way I think of all those kids. They all are so brave and so beautiful. I really miss my son.
Last night as I was going to bed Family Guy was on. I started to turn it off but i waited a minute. Brian was talking about cheating in college and Stewie told him, "everyone cheats, remember Ashley Simpson". They showed her doing her SNL thing were she got caught lip syncing. She was dancing, held the mike up to her mouth and this deep voice says "old man riiivvverrr". I had to laugh. That was so Jed! I loved when he would randomly sing Old Man River. Just like he heard Danny do for years. When I left this afternoon to run around and get some stuff for the luncheon there was a little black butterfly sitting on the deck step. I got one quick picture of it and then it flew away. Jed is here, with me but just not the way I want.

Thank you Jeddie. I know I am a lot of work but I am glad your so good at all this stuff. Still missing you....I knew it would never be better but I didn't count on the fact that it gets worse everyday....but why wouldn't it. Oh Jeddie, say hi to Emmitt for me.
Mommy loves you
Love J & K

Your sister just called from the Lady Gag concert....remember when you asked me what a poker face was? or when you said the song Paparazzi sounded like bubble- otzy. You would have freaked at her meat outfit on TV last night!!!

May God bless and keep you always, May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others and let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars and climb on every rung
May you stay forever young