Ocean City, MD 2008

Go carts make them happy
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Love this pic. Jed had a great time on those go carts but he ended up with bruises all down his back because they were so rough. I didn't ride with them at this track because a day earlier, at another track, I realized i have a problem. When I found myself bumping my 10 yr old son....that had cancer.....so I could get around the corner faster...I knew I should not be on a go-kart....ever. After that I left the go karts to the guys!
I saw my Gram today. She is so funny. One minute she is here and present next she is back in Baltimore....where she hasn't lived since Savannah was very small. She knew who I was....except for a brief second when she said "does your daughter have long hair?" I said yes, she said, "you had very long hair when I met you". I told her Gram, I was bald when you met me....you were there when I was born! She just started laughing and said, "oh, yeah". She thought I was my mom I guess. I was worried that I would have to tell her about Jed but she had not forgotten. She did say that she was afraid to die. I told her..."do not be afraid, you will be the first of us to see Jed". Then I mentioned all the people she will see, her husband, mother, father, brother......and her son that she has not seen in 60 years. That makes me nauseous....60 years away from my child. Welp, I don't have to worry about that..oh dear god I will be one miserable human if I have to live to be 101. Anyway, she said she had never thought of all of that and now she feels better. I hope she doesn't forget. She needs to be reminded to not be afraid...all those people will be there to meet her, that's pretty exciting. Of course...I do not wish for her to leave & when she does I will be sad...but I will be so happy for her. Also knowing she is with Jed is comforting. I wanted to explain to her that the sign I want from whoever gets to see Jed before me is...2 dimes and a nickle....together. My friend Ralph...hi Ralph....came up with that. I think it is so great! He said if he sees Jed before me he will leave me 2 dimes and a nickle! Now I am telling everyone! I know, I have a slight preoccupation with the "other side"....sorry, that's where my kid is so of course I am slightly fixated on the place. Anyway now ALL of you know...if you see Jed before me send me 2 dimes and a nickle..thank you.
Thank you to those people that still read and thanks to the people that leave me messages. If you are reading this...even just once in awhile then you are remembering Jed. That is all I want.....keep remembering Jed.
I went to the grocery store tonight...alone....I made it through....even managed to get most of the things on my list but it was a very quiet, sad march up and down the aisles. It's weird to look at people...watch them shop, talk on the phone, yell at their kids...I feel so different than all of them. I feel like when people look at me they see how damaged I am....how half of me is missing. Then I realize that I look fairly normal to them (yes, I know I have never been normal) anyway, It's odd to think that people look at me and think I am just like everyone else. I am not.
I found myself staring at the steaks looking for the best one.....then I remembered. Missing you big Jed. so so so much. Can't wait to see you.
Mommy Loves You
Love J & K