Contemplating.....

Jed's self portrait.
The Jed feet. He liked to tell me that his toes are longer than my fingers and I think he was right. Love the "crocks" tan lines.

Yesterday I went with my dad to see my Gram in her new home. It's not a bad place and everyone was very nice. She knew who I was right away. She did have trouble sorting out who was who along the family lines. Once we explained she did retain it....kinda. She asked how many kids I have. I said 2 and told her their names. She said "I know Savannah, she is beautiful and really, really smart". I said yes she is. Then I could see the wheels turning in her head. She got quiet and said, "I am thinking, I am thinking about Jed". She knew there was something special she was supposed to know but the fact she was looking for must have been just out of reach. I told her "Jed is in heaven with Granddad". Then I had to say Doyle because she was confused as to who Granddad was. She said she remembered about Jed and reminded me she had lost a son also. I let her know that Jed and Johnny are just fine, and hanging out together. She told my dad, as she pointed at me, "this girl has been through a lot". Dad agreed. It was an interesting visit, sad, but I really was just waiting to see what she would say next. She's pretty funny. It was also great to see the recognition creep into her eyes when she understood a funny comment Dad would make. You could see her putting all the facts together. When we left she told Dad to "bring her the next time you come", pointing at me again. My mom just told me my Aunt was there today and Gram was not as coherent as yesterday. Up and down....always up and down. I told someone my life is a roller coaster that I am riding from my kitchen table. I spend a lot of time here. My roller coaster must be underground though. I get to the top and see a bit of light and life but then back down I go...that's ok, it's quiet down there for the most part and I know at some point I will come back up again....even if it's only for a glimpse of what everyone else is living.
Danny was reading Savannah's blog and decided he should not write because she writes so well he feels dumb. I told him his blog is different..in a good way and it is his view on the world. His writing is just fine. The great thing about blogs is there are no grades or edits from others....well most of the time. If people don't like it they just don't read it. What I didn't tell him was the speech I gave him was one I had just given myself because I did feel slightly inadequate compared to my kid. The good part for me is I can always say she is so good because I am her mom :) ....but I won't, she is unique all unto herself. Both of my kids are very individual. Complete, separate people. Extraordinary people with beautiful souls. oh and smart mouths....I donated that part. Anyway, so I reminded myself that just because Savannah's writing is exceptional does not mean I have to stop....unless I want to. I reminded Dan too. So he updated. "I wish I was a Fish". The eternal Dan retort to any of us when we say "I wish". Gotta love it.
I think I am finished babbling. Tomorrow the extraordinary writer (and worshiper of Taylor Swift) and I are headed to Bel-Air to visit Casey and her clan.
Good night Baby Jed. I did not water the grass seed today. It rained a ton last night and stayed damp all day today. I really trimmed the grass and washed everything off yesterday. Like you care....I sometimes can hear you in my head when I am over there. You are saying, "good god mom, enough trimming".
I wrote this whole thing without crying. Usually I sob the entire time. I refuse to this time....oh wait, I cried most of the day...think I must have depleted my tear reserve.... for a minute. Missing you, it's so deep and so vast there are no words. This missing is just so huge. Mommy Loves you Sweet potato.
Love J & K