The view from my back door the other night. Jed always saw the beauty in everything....more than any 12 year old boy normally would. I love that about him...his ability to see the beauty and his eagerness to share it.



I made cookies this evening to take to clinic tomorrow and to the 7th floor. I have not been back since I left on Jan. 3rd. Tomorrow will be 7 months. It seems like it's time and tomorrow is Tuesday. 8 years of clinic on Tuesdays.
Jed and I used to make big batches of cookies to take sometimes when we would go inpatient for chemo. He always made sure that we had a separate batch specially marked for night shift because he was afraid they wouldn't get any! I made sure I did that too. I would stress about whether they were cooked too much or not enough...not Jed, he told me, "mom, they are nurses they will eat them anyway" !!!! Oh Jeddie. I pretended you were here with me making cookies....but then I always pretend you are here :)

The finished yummies.
I went with Savannah today to see Nana. She had surgery on Friday and is doing well. Her bout with cancer has come to an end...YAY! She should be out by the end of the week and moving forward.
My Gram when into a retirement/rehab home on Friday. I think I mentioned that before. Today Dad met with her doctor...the Dr said to prepare...she is having mini strokes and will most likely not recover. She seems to be shutting down. I can't say I blame her. If not for Savannah and Danny I would want to join her. She told Dad on Friday that a young blond boy has been visiting her and just sitting on the bench wiggling his fingers at her. I'm glad to know that Jed is going to be there to help her pass over when her time comes. Even though I hate the thought of my Gram not being here...I am very happy for her. Living like she has been living....is not living. She didn't react to Dad today at all. It's sad and not fair but like I said.....she will be with Jed soon so I am very jealous....a bit twisted I know but oh well.
Seven months ago I was spending what would turn out to be my last night with my child. I slept next to him for a few hours while Danny sat and talked to him. Part of me is angry that I fell asleep but on the other hand it was so normal to sleep next to him....such a normal thing on the last normal night of my life. He made sure I woke up before he left....I am so grateful for that. I don't know why we could not have been one of those "golden" families I see everywhere. The ones with kids of varying ages, all healthy and busy and happy. But I would not trade my 12 years with Jed for anything...nothing. We are what we are, and this is what we have been given...I am grateful....and I know that even though others have healthy and happy children they will NEVER have what I have...amazing Savannah and memories of the most beautiful wonderful boy anyone has ever had. The love Jed and I have for each other is eternal and so strong that even though we are separated by time and space right now it does not diminish, it will not fade. We will just hold on until whatever I have to do is finished here and we can be together again.
My Jeddie.....such a gift. Mommy loves you sweet pea
Love J & K