My Boys....August 2009


You know, I am sitting here thinking. I feel so miserable I don't want to write. I don't want to just keep writing miserable things, I feel bad for those reading...how crappy. The problem is...that's all I have right now. Thank goodness Danny and Savannah write good stuff.
I start school tomorrow. So does Savannah. I am not wild about this at all. I just feel like I have no choice. I have to do something....I can't do nothing, that does not pay the mortgage. I have to have an education, to get a job, to pay the bills.
Unfortunately I wasn't bright enough to get the education years ago. So here I am just now starting. I don't need it to be easy academic wise. I can work that out. I know a few smart people. What I need it to be is tolerable. I need it to not make me anxiety ridden. It's not so much the actual academic part, it is the process. The classes themselves and the process of the entire day. I wish I could explain it. I am hoping the anxiousness I have right now is because of the unknown aspect of it all. In theory this does not seem to be a big deal. In actuality it pretty freakin' huge. The only familiar part of my life now is home. Thank god for that. I could very easily just stay in here. That, unfortunately, is not an option. I just hope I am on the right path and I can figure out what I am supposed to be doing. I just don't know. It was easy before.....now everything is so far from easy.


Jeddie, I am missing you...everyone misses you...but not like this. I never, ever thought I would be without you. It's really just too hard to comprehend. Sometimes I am positive this has to be a nightmare but it's not. It is real life. Definitely NOT want I want. It IS what I have, so I am trying to live it. Trying, trying, trying. I keep reminding myself that you are healthy,happy and cancer free. Really that is all that is important. That is all I ever wanted. I was just kinda hoping you could do that here. :) Everyday down is a day closer to you....
Mommy loves you
Love J & K