He looks like a teenager in this picture. I can't look at this one too much...this is the guy i miss...so very much.
Danny and I went out to breakfast and then I spent the afternoon with Savannah.
Back to work tomorrow.
I miss you baby Jed. I miss my friend. I love you and miss you so much...it is more and more everyday. It sucks. God, that picture is painful but i love the look on your face. Mommy loves you
Love J & K
This was taken on one of the ships you can tour docked in the harbor. My boys and I had a great time that day.
Danny came home today, right before it was time to go to Adams for a cook out. He made sure to not miss dinner!
We had a good time, food was great, was missing my Jed. Adam gave the kids tractor rides. Tiersa's brother's oldest, Ethan, is 4. Adam came around the corner with Ethan on the tractor and it was like I was watching a scene from 8 yrs ago. I remember right after Jed had been diagnosed we were down at mom & dad's and Adam had the tractor out. He rode Jed all over the place. Uncle Adam on a blue tractor with a little blond boy....I wish I wish....
That's all for now.
Jeddie your absence today left a huge hole. Missing you Jeddie Spaghetti. I hate it without you...it sucks. Mommy loves you
Love J & K
This was Jed's 2nd Christmas. He was 13 months old.....I know a child could not get any cuter than this one! He was always so flippin' happy!
Baby Jed...such a cool kid.
So you saw the Mini-THON total....over $54,000.00..amazing. Everyone's hard work and dedication really paid off. The Wlsons went over and above as always! Without them Red Lion Mini-THON would not be where it is today. Savannah was incredible... I know I said that before but it is worth repeating.
I made it through my first night alone in my own house! Danny will probably be home tomorrow sometime.
Mom and I went to a farmers market flea market thing today. I have wanted to go forever but just never made it there. Today I just decided today was the day. Well, it was ok. I don't need to go back. The one closer to our house is nicer. BUT....Jed was at it again. I have been really missing everyone from the hospital and clinic. As mom and I were walking through this place I ran into Megan and Maritsa from clinic. I was SOOOO happy to see them, I immediately started to cry. I swear it's like seeing people you love more than anything and have been separated from!
I KNOW Jed was behind that.
Adam called and to tell me that his in-laws, Bob and Sharon, who are on an epic road trip out west called with a story. They were cruising over the continental divide and a car pulled out in front of them ...it's license plate said JEDDIE!!! No lie! Love that.
Jeddie, nothing is different except how much I am missing you...it's more and more. I sat on the porch tonight, thinking of you. Oh lovey...Mommy loves you
Love J & K
Mini THON is under way. I made it through all the speeches. Savannah's was amazing....of course. I still am always amazed when she speaks in front of so many people...how does she do that?! Mom brought The Mac for a bit. She was lovin' it. Ran right up to her Kyle and said "hi Kyle, you dance"! The place is packed and everyone seems extremely into it. That is the best part, seeing all these kids get excited to help others. It's a beautiful thing. So I made it through all that and then mom and Liv left and I realized.....I was without Jed. All the other years I would hang out and just do whatever he wanted to do...that's my job. I could not stay this time. I will go back at 6am for the official totals.
Now I am getting ready to do something I have never done in this house, actually as I think about it I don't think I have done what I'm getting ready to do in at least 12 yrs....I am going to Stay alone in my own house.....weird.
I think Danny will be home tomorrow eve or Sunday morning.
I love you sweet baby Jed. The Mini-THON you inspired has exploded. It is an amazing thing to see. I always tell people that you have given me so many gifts but it's not just me that you have given many gifts to. The amount of people you have touched cannot be counted. I am so proud of you and your sister, I have awesome kids. Missing you...as always and even more. Someone said to me "it must be hard to do the things you always did with Jed". When I tried to explain to them that you and I did EVERYTHING together I think they thought I was exaggerating...you know better. Doing some things without is over the top hard but everything I do without you is difficult...nothing is easy. Miss you miss you
Mommy loves you
Love J & K
Such a pretty face! He was so sweaty and tired but he did not want to leave. Finally he came up to me and almost passed out at my feet he said "I need to leave NOW". It was close to midnight by then. Jed Loves Mini-THON.
Mini THON 2010 starts tomorrow at 6pm. It will be in memory of Big Jed. Savannah is not a student there anymore but she has been very involved with helping get it all together. She is speaking at family hour, I will be there...for a bit. I cannot imagine what it will be like without Jed. Sucky and hard...just like every day without Jed. It is nice that Mini THON is going to keep going and is still growing.
Danny left this evening to go to Altoona to visit friends for a few days. The weather is great for a motorcycle ride.
I was thinking of taking a "point" tomorrow but then I will be missing 2 days of pay because I would not get paid for the holiday.... :( oh well. I will be unemployed soon enough.
Jeddie Spaghetti, I love you.....love you love you. missing your funny sweet face. it just tears my heart to pieces to be without you. it is SO hard...everything is hard. The last time Danny went on a motorcycle ride you slept in my bed every night. I miss you.
mommy loves you baby Jed
Love J & K
This is Jed and our wonderful PSU friend Dan playing guitar hero at Savannah's first MiniTHON.
Look how CUTE is is!!!!
Mini_THON 2008...Jed eating pizza and hanging with HOP
Red LIon Mini THON 2008
Jed has always thought that Red Lion's mini-THON is his own personal THON. I am sure I said that before, but it is very true.
I love this snap and point coolness thing. He was lovin' that day. It was Danny's 50th birthday gift but they broke all the rules and put Jed in a race car! The driver said "don't worry I will go slow and stay on the apron", I said, "Jed likes to go fast". Dear god the next thing I know he is flying around the track at over 100mph! They even had a big booster seat thing so the harness would fit him and he could see out. It was very cool! We stayed in this dumpy hotel, the only one with a vacancy, Jed said, "this is the best hotel I have ever stayed in"..poor guy! And we did his favorite thing..ordered dominos!! yes it was a classy weekend. Jed and Danny LOVED it!!!
I got "the word" today. It is official, the layoff is voluntary. They will come around 2 weeks before the end of June and you can put your name on the list...if you do then you are gone after the end of June!!! Yes I am GOING!!!! Scary but exciting. I have an appointment at HACC on June 29th to find out about their legal studies program. I would love to stay at PSU but when I have to pay for my own education....I gotta go with the cheaper one...and there is a huge price difference. I am hoping to get my bach degree from PSU in a few years but for now this fall I hope to be a HACC student. Now I have to figure out how unemployment stuff works. I have never filed for that before. oh yay.
Today started out yucky. I just felt like I had had enough....and then I got the layoff news....I feel a bit better now.
Baby Love, I am struggling with the missing you...I try very hard to stay above it all and not think too deeply about how my future looks. I cannot even write down the painful, hard truth. I do not know how I will do this but I know I have too. The strength and depth of what I share with you I don't think others could ever fully comprehend and because of that I know there are not many people that understand what I am living with....the separation from you is almost intolerable. The fight to get through every day...and night is exhausting. The work it takes to not let my mind go to all the bad things that happened, all you suffered and the things I wish I had done differently really is A LOT of work. I focus on your smile, laugh, smart comments, eye rolls and giggles. They are painful but beautiful. I feel your love and your guidance...without that I would never make it. Oh Jeddie. This sucks. I don't understand it and I don't like it. UGH
Mommy loves you baby Jed
Love J & k
This is where I study in the evenings and where my butterfly sat on my hand the other day. Jed loved this antique crib. I would set it up in the living room when it got too cold outside and he would spend all day on it watching TV.
Work tomorrow and then I have a vacation day on Thursday again. I am making chili for the Red Lion Mini-THON on Friday evening. Most of you know that Savannah started this Mini-THON her sophomore year of high school, it is still going strong and getting bigger every year. Jed always considered this his personal mini thon. He really thought of it as his, it was started by his sister, because of him and he was the star. It will be very very hard to be there but I will. Savannah is speaking at family hour Friday evening. Last year, her last year of high school, they made a pledge to donate $1,000 of the total every year in her name to honor what she has started.
This has been a tough few days, well they all are tough but the last few have been extremely hard...not sure why I guess it's just how things go...
Baby Jed I love you more than life, my heart is a broken mess without you here to keep me all together. I get up everyday and fight through because I know that is what you want me to do. I cannot say I am happy and I don't think I ever will be but I get up and I fight on....I learned that from you. The sun does not shine as bright as when you were here, the flowers are not as beautiful and the approaching summer is making me sad instead of happy. BUT I will keep on keeping on...because that is a lesson you taught us all. Mommy is MISSING you baby love and Mommy loves you
Love J & k
This was taken at Jed's "end of chemo party". October 10th 2009. I don't know if I want to scream, sob or smile. Look at those smiles.
Not much happening here.
I got 94 out of 103 on my test, not great but I will take it. It was the 1st test in 4 years.
Children with cancer are like candles in the wind who accept the possibility that they are in danger of being extinguished by a gust of wind from nowhere, and yet, as they flicker and dance to remain alive, their brilliance challenges the darkness and dazzles those of us who watch their light. unknown author
I stole this from someone on Facebook. I love it
I cannot talk again tonight...just too much...too hard. I cannot think about the reality of my life too deeply, it's just is so NOT RIGHT. THis is NOT the life I want and what I want I cannot have. The ONLY thing that can make this better is the one thing I cannot have.
Jeddie I am MISSING you, how am I supposed to keep going without you here,,,,it sucks and I do not like it. Oh Jeddie...oh Jeddie
Mommy loves you
Love J & k
I don't have a lot to say. I am supposed to be studying the electoral college....it makes my head hurt. I really do not understand it or how you become and elector.
Missing Jed, these weekends are just so weird. I am glad to not be at work but I feel like I am floating out in space....what always kept me grounded and in place was Jed and taking care of him and hanging out with him...now I don't have that. I really feel like I am not tethered, just floating all around with no purpose and no direction.
I wish there was an actual job where you sit with sick kids in the hospital and do stuff....not nurse stuff, parent stuff. I know I am good at that.....
anyway, I am on the front porch and it is raining again, starting to get wet so I have to go in.
I love you baby Jed. Missing you so much I can't write about it tonight. Just hurts too much. Mommy loves you Jeddie spaghetti
Love J & k
August 2009.....Jed looks so happy! He was fine laughing at DJ but had to be forced to participate....but he did of course...because he always humored me.
So today I spent a lot of time in bed. My plan was to clean the house before my Gram and her sister Lois, who is visiting from Florida, came by to see the painting of Jed. Well, I got up but just went back to bed. Watched tv and took a nap. Gram and Lois came by and then we went to Mommo and Hop's for dinner with them. Dinner was great. When we left I had this weird thing. I was thinking that Jed was at Nana's for some reason. I was getting ready to say to Savannah and Danny that we had to go pick up Jed. Of course as I was driving home it hit me...like a truck. We only live 5 minutes from my parents. I pulled all the way up in our driveway to let Savannah and Danny out, then I backed up to park next to the garage, I turned around to say "ok, Jed do you have everything?"...now you would think I would not have done that since not 2 seconds before I had that horrible reality check. It was actually kind of confusing & discerning, I had to stop and get my head straight. Very weird..and super heartbreaking. I was standing in the kitchen looking around trying to figure out what was going on. I just didn't know what to do with myself so Savannah and I went to the movies. Robin Hood was great. Good movie and it killed some time...I just felt like I could not hang out here all evening. Even though being here all day was not a problem...just odd. I am odd..
Another sign from Jed. I got an email from Megan. She said she was flipping through the channels and for some reason stopped on a graduation scene. She said she just sat there and watched...not knowing why until the valedictorian was introduced, his name was Kevin Buckley...K Buckley and he was graduating from school! Again, I am so obtuse i read the email and thought that's cool, K Buckley. Savannah said "wow that's cool K Buckley graduating! AAhh, now I get it! Meg said she thinks Jed is using anyone he can to get me my signs....way to go Jeddie baby...very good job. Love it.
I am greedy and needy so don't stop!
It was good to see Aunt Lois today. Savannah is driving them to Chevy Chase tomorrow to see all the Avon/ Hites.
Ok, that's all for now.
Good night baby Jed. Missing you..so much. Thank you for making sure I am getting the signs I need. You always were worried about everyone else and that has not changed. Mommy loves you sweet pea. see you in my dreams....come visit
Love J & K
Oh, Congrats to our amazing neighbor Maggie. She did the Leukemia and Lymphoma society triathlon today in memory of Jed. She won top fundraiser and kicked butt. awesome,,thank you Maggie
September 2009...Jed's birthday at Busch Gardens in VA.
I am missing my guy. His little skinny, smart mouthed, compassionate, funny, loving self.
The Mac just stopped by with her parents. The kid is funny. She was eating Jed's strawberries that are growing like crazy out back.
I am so glad it is Friday. I am still waiting for the official word that the layoff is voluntary. PLEASE HURRY. I hate when I have made up my mind and then I have to wait!
Jed has been a busy guy this week. First it was the butterfly, then Maggie's quarter, the Bon Jovi tickets that went to a Four Diamonds Family...oh and yesterday I found out that the boy who used the tickets..his birthday was Wednesday..the day of the concert, and then the email from the lawyer that runs the legal studies program I am interested in being named Buckley...and her first name starts with a K.. Oh and also, when I was leaving work the other day I turned around and waved at Stacey and said good bye. She waved back but gave me an odd look. She told me today that when I turned to look at her I looked exactly like Jed. Yes we definitely cannot deny we are mother and son but we really don't look alike. June said, Junes seems to be the one Jed is using when I am too obtuse to get stuff, she said that she knows Stacey actually saw Jed. "Jed is always around Kristin and when you turned around you just caught a glimpse of him, I know that you saw him, I know he is here", that is what June told Stacey and I. Of course I have to go with June! I wish I could see him, that would be the best. I also know he is here, of course that doesn't mean I miss him less....not even close but it is nice to know he is here. I just wish I could be raising him and be a mom to an almost teenage boy...my boy.
Someone left a link to another blog on here the other day. I checked it out and the woman who writes it was so on target with what she said. Let me summarize..... she was talking about how people who lose children do not have a name, we are not widows or orphans, what we are living is too horrible to actually give a name to it. She said what we are are amputees...we have lost a huge chuck of our soul. We still can survive without this part of us but nothing will ever be the same and we have to find a whole new way to live our lives. The wound heals over but it always hurts and will always be gone. I agree wholeheartedly. It was a great way to describe how we live.
I thought about it all day. When you lose an appendage it is immediately obvious to everyone and most are gracious enough to realize that you cannot do all you used to do before the loss. When you lose a child the piece of you that went with them is not obvious to others...no one can see it. People who don't know you wonder why you start crying when you see sponge bob, or you stop talking in the middle of a sentence and stare into space or just walk away or you just don't speak at all some days. These social hiccups are met with bewildered stares, or horrified apologizing when you try to explain what is wrong and eventually just complete avoidance. Sometimes the people that do know you think you have completely "gotten over it" if you smile or laugh and then they tell you how 'Strong" you are and how they could never deal with a loss such as yours as well as you are. So does that mean they love their child more than you do? I understand that people are trying to do what they think is best. They really do not know what to do and you can see it on their face how grateful they are when you don't melt down, or talk about uncomfortable things. So that is what you try to do. Try to pretend you are a normal, whole person, a person with no lost limbs or chunks of your soul .But sometimes, sometimes sponge bob or family guy comes into view and you start to cry, or something random reminds you of something your child said or did and you stop talking in the middle of a sentence or someone says hi and you just do not want to talk that day. Anyway, so I completely agree with the amputee analogy.....it's right on target.
That is my post for the day....
Baby Jed, I really need you to come home now. I need to turn back the clock and have you here. I need the hope we always had that this would get better and I need you here so we can make all the plans for your future. I need you here so I have my child to raise because you are what I do and who I am. Oh Jeddie, I hate this...really really hate this. Missing you ...just missing you.
Mommy loves you Jeddie
Love J & K
Rupal came to visit us today. She just got home from Peru and is headed to Uganda next week. She will be there for 3 months then she goes to south africa...all this is volunteering. Amazing and fearless! As you can tell in the picture...she is a tiny thing. Jed at 10 was as tall as she was in heels! I can't believe we have known her now for 7 years..wow.
I have to go to bed. Work tomorrow...would really like to hear a definite about the layoffs.
Oh i know I wanted to say Good Luck to Maggie, she is headed to the leukemia society triathlon this weekend. She is racing in memory of Jed. The other thing I wanted to tell you was remember how I said I told Jed I needed many very obvious signs if I am to take this layoff and go to school. I got my butterfly while studying the other day and today I got an email reply to a request I sent about information on the legal studies program at a local college. The email was from the head of the department, she is a lawyer and guess what her last name is??? BUCKLEY!!! another sign?? I think so!
mommy loves you baby Jed. Keep sending me signs...I need them.
I am getting ready to plant the veggies this weekend...I will need your help. Missing you more than you will ever know.
come see me in my dreams baby boy.
love J & K
I had my 1st test in 4 years tonight. I think I did ok...but I will know for sure on Monday. I wore Jed's bracelet, took his glasses with me and used his back pack...I think I'm ok!
We discussed how to increase voter turnout. Everyone had some good ideas...mine was..feed people dinner and give them cookies. So now everyone thinks I'm crazy. Oh well.
We have been trying to sell our Bon Jovi tickets for awhile now. Today at 3:00, Amy, our social worker at Hershey called and said she had a family interested. Danny ended up driving up 83 and meeting the lady to give her the tickets because I had class and Savannah had to work. These tickets were a birthday gift to Savannah and I from Danny, Knowing they went to a Four Diamonds Family is a better gift then even going to the concert. I am very happy it worked out this way. I don't know this family but I hope they had a good time.
Our awesome neighbor, Maggie, is doing a triathlon this weekend for the leukemia society in memory of Jed. Very cool. This morning, as she was talking to her daughter, she picked up a bag chips and there was 1 quarter, all alone, under the bag! It;s her good luck at the race quarter from Jed!
Jed you always were so thoughtful and I know that will never change.
I love you Jeddie. Mommy is missing you, it is just so very hard. I really need you here, I need to be your mom, I miss that so much. Sweet funny Jed, come see me in my dreams I need to see you.
Mommy Loves you
Love J & K
Sweet baby Jed and stinky crotchety old Walter. How cute is that kid.
I have been studying since I came home from work. I have my test tomorrow night. i realized that the stuff I am trying to hard to remember I think I learned in 5th grade...and forgot...of course. Thomas Jefferson..yes I know he was there! Anyway, just want to get it over with. I know I got at least 1 extra credit point, we had to guess who we thought would win the primary races tonight..oooo, I have 3 right so far..yay me. I can use all the extra credit I can get!
I still do not have the "official word" on if the layoff next month will be voluntary. I can get an almost yes but not a firm yes! I really want to take it and go to school full time but it is very scary to think about. Giving up a job, with benefits..frightening. I asked Savannah tonight how she would feel about living without cable TV....or paying her own car insurance....she looked horrified! Not sure what was worse..no cable or paying her own insurance! I know we will have to make some changes. I also have to find out how to finance school and get health insurance for both of us. Tomorrow night I can start to do some real research. Had to study tonight.
Good night Jeddie love. Savannah is working hard on the luncheon. We are missing you. Not hearing your giggle or singing makes things so bleak. Knowing we will never hear that in our house again is extremely hard to deal with. Everyday I wake up and just want to hide in bed...but I think of you and I get up....most of the time! I know you want us to move forward and keep going. I can do that and I will take you with me. I know you are here, I feel you all around, it is just so hard to not have you to take care of. That big empty whole will never be filled. You are who I am and what I do....finding purpose without you seems impossible. I will keep trying...for you, until we can be together again. Mommy loves you
Love J & k
Oh, I wanted to say to Denise Gibson...I just read that you won The Four Diamonds Award!!!! I am SOOO happy for you! Now Jed's Denise and Janeice have that rockin' award! It was well earned and very much deserved. Love and hugs to you...when I think of you I think of the sound of your voice on the phone...it was always so calming and reassuring. Such a very important part of the past 8 years. big sigh...smiling through the tears. Congrats
OMG...just as I am ready to post this the commercial with Dr. Ungar came on....I know I have seen it 10 times in the last 2 days!
This was the Bike Night parade in York. Jed was the Grand Marshal. Jace came to cheer him on.
So i thought I had my test tonight...it will be on Wednesday...yipee. My professor likes to debate the legalization of marijuana. Being the oldest in the class I am also the least conservative. I do have one girl that agrees with me a bit but other than that I am alone on the "make it legal" side. It's getting old, I hope we move on from that soon.
I told you about the butterfly that landed next to me while I was studying yesterday evening and then climbed onto my hand. I was stuck on the fact that the medium I saw told me Jed would be sending me butterflies. What I didn't think of is, when I worked with June last week I mentioned that I keep telling Jed if I am offered the voluntary lay off and I am supposed to take it I need him to send me many VERY obvious signs that say so. I told June about my butterfly and like me she thought it was great considering what the medium said. She came over later and said. "you know you were asking Jed if you should take the lay off and go to school full time, well what were you doing when the butterfly landed next to you?" I was studying!!!! You all may think I'm nuts but I consider that a sign and I will be looking for more!
Ok, I have to go study and type up my notes from tonight's class.
Jeddie, I love you. I think of you every second of everyday. I am missing you so much. Today I really had to work hard to get myself together...and keep myself together. The missing you sometimes is so overwhelming. I don't know how to deal with the fact that I don't have you here. When I was tired or had a bad day or was just sad, I went to you, did stuff for you, hung out with you or just watched you sleep and I felt so much better. Now ...well now there is just the missing and the knowledge that your room is empty and I am no longer raising a child. The emptiness in my life is bigger than I can describe. I feel purposeless. I miss you my little friend. good night lovey.
Love J & K
Jed decided that this was the softest goat....hhmm.
Anyway, I was supposed to study today. I went outside first and decided to paint around the back door where the old paint was peeling. It turned into an all day job. Once I started to pick off the paint the entire door frame had to be scraped and sanded before I got to paint it. It looks much better now. Danny made another veggie bed for me to plant stuff in. My mushroom soil is coming on Thursday ( I have a vacation day).
So I can plant after that. The whole thing with the planting is that I have to cook the stuff....Danny volunteered so I guess whatever he doesn't cook for me I will give away.
Today Savannah told me that Pappaw and Nana are donating Jed's almost brand new 4 wheeler for a silent auction item at her luncheon on October 2nd. WOW. It is SO VERY awesome of them to do that but it is SO VERY sad too. When Jed relapsed the first time, after we had been in the hospital for a bit, Pappaw brought up catalogs and told Jed to pick the 4 wheeler he wanted. Jed poured over those catalogs for at least 2 weeks. We debated the pros and cons of every vehicle in those catalogs. He was so thrilled when he got to go get it. Thinking about the fact that Jed will never ride it again is heartbreaking....just devastating. Knowing it will help raise money to support other kids with cancer and their families is wonderful ...and such a Jed thing.
I was sitting on my front porch studying and a butterfly landed right next to me, I put my hand out and it climbed right onto my hand. It stayed there for a long time, until I tried to get up and show the kids on the porch next door! Then it flew all around both porches and disappeared. Thanks Jeddie. The medium I saw on Mother's day said "Jed is going to send you a butterfly soon."
I love you and miss you more everyday. It sucks, and it is so very painful. I miss you so much it hurts to breath sometimes. I could cry at any second but I know if I start I will not be able to stop. I can't wait to be with you again.
Love J & K
Jed was ready to ride The Skunk Train. He loved it.
It was nice to not go to work today. We went to the Bailey's Memorial scholarship lunch in memory of Jenn. Mommo, Savannah, Dan and I. Then Mommo and Savannah and I went to home depot. That was an adventure. Mommo's car was so packed Savannah rode home with half of her body in my rain barrel....very funny. Savannah is always good for some comic relief! I got dirt for my veggies and then I decided to get flowers for my hanging baskets. I worked on those the rest of the day. It was a hard day, sitting on the front porch planting flowers with Hailey next door hanging too..I think we were both waiting for Jed to come out. I gave her Jed's IPOD today. I told her even if she never listens to it she can keep it and always remember her friend next door.
So there are some flowers out front now....not all that are usually there but the porch looks ok. It was VERY hard. I want to just cry but I am afraid that if I do I won't stop. I also do not want to think about the fact that Jed is not here with me. I mean I know he is around. but not having him here physically is a nightmare. It sucks. I try not to think too deeply about it.
Baby Jed the porch looks nice, I hope you hang out there some. Lizzie found her quarter in Happy Valley and Uncle Adam found his in his jacket pocket along with Granddad's hankie he was looking for! Come see me, hold my hand and talk to me I am missing you and it is horrible. Mommy loves you.
Love J & k
I love this picture. Jed was 4 here and had only been sick for a very short time...barely a month. Look at that little steroid belly. I know Emmitt and Jeddie are hanging out together now. I will definitely NOT be sad when it's my turn to go hang with them.
I went to dinner with Savannah tonight and then we stopped at Mommo and Hop's to see Livi-Mac....what a crazy kid.
Tomorrow we are going to a lunch to raise money for The Jenn Bailey Scholarship Fund.
That's all for now I have to go study. I have my first test in over three years on Monday night...
Good night baby love. I am missing you. I worked with June today and when I do we talk about you all day. I know you were there listening to us! June even said to me "oh, I feel Jed right here with us". I loved the dream she had where she saw you riding your bike. I am waiting patiently for my dream from you. Mommy loves you sweet pea...missing you...every second...of every day.
Love J & K
............................
I was going to post a more recent picture but it was just to painful to look at the newer one this evening. At this moment I want to scream. I just want my son. it is getting harder and harder and harder. If I didn't have to clean up the mess I would start screaming and throwing things.
I think I am angry today. I am thinking of the complete unfairness of it all. All the suffering and terror he went through....I can't begin to imagine how scared he was at many different times over the past 8 years. I am pissed. He fought hard and he was brave and beautiful and he deserved to be able to live like a normal child. After all the hell, he and I deserved to have some time together when I could just be the mom to a healthy teenage boy and he could just be Jed. It is so Freakin' unfair. I always try to steer away from that phrase because nothing is fair....but come on. Why did ALL of that get dumped on one small boy? And now I am here, alone, no longer raising a child...I am just trying to survive...and I really do not care if I do. It is hard to fake that...I try though. Savannah is my reason to keep going right now. She has had enough trauma and upheaval.
Today I had two different people ask me how Jed was. UGH, I feel bad when I have to tell people...maybe I should lie...but I never can..it all just flies out.
Crappy day. I have to go read my American Government stuff for tomorrow night.
Love J & K
oh those were the days.
My class started tonight. There are 6 people in this American Government class....only one is over the age of 21....guess who. The prof is weird...I like him. He served in the peace corps, is huge on giving back and volunteering...a very cool guy..he is 68...makes me feel young!
I was so very nervous going in there. I knew I had to though. I would have hated myself if I had left.
Today was a mental health day. I stayed home and collected another one of the infamous Harley "points".
I even went to the grocery store today...with Savannah for support of course, but I made it through with not one melt down. yay me.
I am exhausted!
Sweet potato.....missing you. You always kissed me good bye when I left and were ALWAYS awake and waiting for me when I would come home from school....Jed I really do not want to do ANY of this without you here. EVERYTHING is so very hard and hurts so much. You made it all worthwhile now it seems kind of pointless. The sad fact is that I am stuck here without you. I hope and hope that the things I want to believe are true and that you are happy and full of joy and you also are here helping us and guiding us. I need all that to be true. I just hate the fact that I am not the one taking care of you. I don't think anyone else can do it right and I want to be the one doing it. Being your mom, and Savannah's, is the best job in the world. Nothing can ever compare to that...come home...how I wish you could come home to me. I am trying...really trying but it sucks and I want you here.Mommy loves you baby Jed
Love J & k
Happy Mother's day to all the mommies out there. Our children are our children no matter if they are here on earth or in heaven. Being a mom is the greatest gift you can receive. Enjoy every moment....it goes fast, sometimes faster than you planned. You can live for yourself later, you can sleep later, just grab some caffeine and run with them...it will be over before you know it!
Happy Mother's day to my mom....thank you for making me strong....It's come in handy :)
I love you baby Jed, you and your sister have made me a better person.
I am missing you...oh how I am missing you. Come see me in my dreams sweet pea.
Love J & K
I wish everyday was this day. My babies and the beach...really that's not too much to ask, right?
I don't have much to say. I am just trying not to think. If I can just stay blank and numb I will make it through.
Why is the travel channel filled with food shows and shows about big built things like boats and dams and stuff? The travel channel should be about TRAVEL.
Ok, that's all I guess. Tomorrow at noon I go see Francine Milano...a medium in lancaster. I know not to go with expectations....but..well I'm sure you get it. I'll let ya'll know how it goes.
Good night sweet potato. I never knew anything could hurt this bad, I never knew there could be anything as hard as this is....I never imagined this misery, hollowness, confusion, anger, exhaustion and aching need to have you next to me. I hate it and I miss you so. Mommy loves you
Love J & K
I love this pic.
Danny and I went to see Iron Man 2 with Adam & Tiersa. I was not with Dan, Jed and DJ when they saw the 1st one..but I liked this one...it was good. We had a good time.
I saw someone at work today that I haven't seen in forever, I don't even know her name but we always said hi to each other. Anyway, she said :I'm sorry about your son, I just heard. I had no idea and by looking at you I would think nothing was wrong. You seem to be doing amazing with this, it is so good that you are doing so well with it". UM, what am I supposed to look like? She sort of made me feel that if I missed him more I would look worse or something. I wanted to scream at her I DO NOT HAVE A CHOICE...I HAVE TO GO TO WORK and IT WOULD BE UNFAIR FOR ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE TO HAVE TO WORK WITH SOMEONE THAT DOES NOT SHOWER OR COMB HER HAIR AND SOBS ALL THE TIME. I DO NOT HAVE A CHOICE. Ugh, trust me....inside I am unshowered, exhausted, and not able to function. I always tried to act like everything would be ok so Jed did not get too scared. I figured if he saw that I was calm he would be too....it worked...at least most of the time. So I will just keep on with that as much as I can. I do wrestle with the fact that we never talked about death. I wonder if that was something I should have done. I always had the attitude that dying was not an option. I even told him once, when he was younger, that he could not die because I was the mommy and I had final say...and I say NO WAY. He said "well what if I got to heaven then what?"...I told him I would come right up there and bring him home...moms are allowed to do that. Oh how I wish that were the truth. He went along with it and never mentioned it again. Well maybe one other time he asked me what I thought heaven was like. I told him that I thought it was beautiful and you could do and be whatever you want. There is no sadness or sickness there. Again though I said, "and you don't have to think about that until you are old and gray". He seemed satisfied with that answer...i hope he was. I suppose second guessing myself now is pointless..but none the less I know I will.
My Grandmother...A... found a quarter yesterday. She was on her way down to dinner and on a settee near the elevator was a quarter, all alone right in the middle of the little seat. A quarter from Jed.. :) gotta love it.
Jeddie...I love you ...always. I miss you more and more and more. i hate being without you. I am trying my best....to do my best. Love you baby boy.
Love J & K
I was going to write some crappy maudlin poem but I have 2 dreams to tell you all about...will prob take me forever, oh and these are not my dreams sadly. 1st, A work friend, June, had a dream a few nights ago, I won't go into a million details but someone was knocking on her door and she didn't get to it in time. When she opened the door a mutual friend was walking across her lawn. She asked him who knocked and he said it was his brother. She looked at the car he was getting into and the brother that knocked was in the car along with their sister that passed away from cancer about 2 yrs ago. June thinks that part of the dream was to bring cancer to the forefront. The next part was she saw a boy of about 12 riding his bike up a HUGE hill. She said to the boy. "that is a very steep hill for you to be riding up". The boy looked at her, smiled really big, made muscles and said " I'm strong now". She said her immediate reaction was "that's Jed"! She came to work but didn't tell me about the dream. She told another co-worker that she didn't want to upset me and didn't know what to do. That night she went home and was watching the news. They did a story about a dust storm on rt 15 somewhere out west. At the end of the story the newscaster said,"here is a piece of trivia for you, highway 15 was mapped out by a trapper and explorer named Jedediah Smith". June said she knew that was her sign to please tell me that Jeddie wants me to know he is strong and riding his bike! Jed has a list he made in October of "things I want to do when I finish chemo". Learning to ride his bike was near the top of the list! I am so happy to know he is riding!
Pretty cool.
The other dream came from my sister-in-law. She dreamed she was in a big basement like rec room. Danny and I were sitting on a couch and between us with his head in my lap and feet in Dan's was Jed. He was smiling. She came over and said "Jed is that you"? He never spoke but he shook his head yes and continued to smile. She said after everyone had some time with him he got up and walked to the stairs. The steps went up and into a very bright light. Jed went up a few steps and stopped to smile at everyone and then he went into the light. Beautiful! I am so happy to hear these dreams....I wish they were happening to me but as long as I am told about them I can live with that!
Thanks guys and thanks baby Jed. My turn soon? I love you sweet pea. Missing you, missing you, missing you. Saw a friend of yours running by the house while I was on the porch this evening....made me cry. He was running and smiling.
Livi-Mac stopped by and ran up and down your sidewalk. Again, missed you. You should be here for all these things...no matter how little. Trying to do the everyday stuff is torture without you. We did that stuff together, now it is just hard. You made stuff fun and interesting..not much is interesting and nothing is fun. I try though.
Love you baby
Love J & k
Savannah Renee and Jedediah Thomas This was taken sometime between Oct. 1998 and Feb 1999. So Jed was just a bit over a year and Savannah is not yet 8 yrs old.
As of today Savannah is 19 yrs old......amazing! Happy Birthday Nee-Nee. Since the day you were born I was excited to watch your next step. I know you are destined for awesome things....and I am still excited to watch and see what you do next. 19, last year in your teens....where the hell did the time go?!
Tomorrow my best friend will be 40....well actually she will always be 20 and beautiful. It's hard to understand that it has been 20 years since i have seen you and heard that funny giggle. Renee (the original Nee-Nee) I miss you, you have my son with you now....take good care of him until I can get there. Seeing you two again will be a wish come true. Happy Birthday Nee....
Last night I was working on my rug in the living room and I didn't even have a thought in my head, I just got up and walked to the bottom of the steps. I was just about to yell up and ask if you were hungry and wanted to order pizza and just as I took a breath to yell your name I realized what I was doing....and that you were not in your room. That feeling was like a knife in my heart. It just took my breath away. I am missing you Jeddie Spaghetti, every second. I try to pretend you are here...but sometimes that doesn't work out too well. it is so hard without you. Help Renee have a happy birthday tomorrow. Baby Jed...Mommy loves you..always...forever
Love J & k
He is chillin' in Mommo's chair.
Grace and Johnny were here after work today. Johnny brought me a beautiful pink cut class candy dish with a lid....and some good coconut smellies....thanks Johnny. Grace gave a a necklace. Jed had been with her once when she went to her safe deposit box. She said he was rooting through everything and pulled out this necklace and said "why is this in here? It would look very good on my mom"! So she told him that he could give it to me for christmas. It's beautiful. Thank you.
Tomorrow is Savannah's birthday....19. Good God.
Pizza dinner at Mommo and Hop's house.
No mandatory overtime tomorrow but we are having it on Thursday and possibly on May15th. Like being there 5 days a week, in the heat, doing all the same jobs and building the same amount of wheels with 8 less people & knowing that Harley Davidson is giving our jobs away to another company is not enough...they want to force use to work a Saturday. Yay
Mommo and Livi-Mac just called me. Livi said " I wanted to call Nee nee but she is at work". Thanks Mac! Mommo said that liv saw Jed's picture on her phone and said "hi Jed, I miss you".
Jeddie we ALL miss you so very much. But no one more than me baby love. I cannot believe you are not here with me....what am I supposed to do without you? It is 4 months today. I just want you back. Love you baby boy
Love J & K
We had a family breakfast for my birthday this morning. It was good. No big festive happy birthday crap....I could not have done that. This was good, breakfast and cake and family. Just fine.
Back to work tomorrow...it's hot. I like the heat but it makes work very hard. ugh
So, that's all for now I guess.
Baby Jed I miss you so much. You would have had a great time at the party today with all the cousins and big guy Lucas. You and Jackson and Isabelle were on our minds and of course in our hearts. I felt you there. Lucas has a set of AWESOME angels looking out for him! On the way home I saw the big sign for some development...it said JEDNOTA!. I was riding along with my eyes closed and just happened to open them as we were right in front of the sign....:) I love you sweet pea, I am missing you more and more.
Love J & k
Thank you to EVERYONE for all the birthday wishes. It is wonderful to have so many that care...thank you
My Bear from Savannah....LOVE IT and my CD is wonderful...hmm think I can find a way to have it playing when the blog loads?
The weather was awesome today....exactly how I like it. Thanks Jed. Danny I took the bike to our psychologists appts then we went out to eat veggie subs. I sat on the deck in the sun and read for a bit. We walked over to the cemetery and cleaned up the flowers. I will get new ones tomorrow. Breakfast in the morning with the fam then off to Trish and Pete's ....baby Lucas will be 1..yay!
Jeddie, I made it through the day. The bear Savannah gave me is so cool and I finally got my CD from her! Another day down, one day closer to being with you again. I love you sweet pea. I am missing you.......oh so much.
Love J & K
