Checking the map

Checking the map
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

September 2009...Jed's birthday at Busch Gardens in VA.
I am missing my guy. His little skinny, smart mouthed, compassionate, funny, loving self.

The Mac just stopped by with her parents. The kid is funny. She was eating Jed's strawberries that are growing like crazy out back.
I am so glad it is Friday. I am still waiting for the official word that the layoff is voluntary. PLEASE HURRY. I hate when I have made up my mind and then I have to wait!
Jed has been a busy guy this week. First it was the butterfly, then Maggie's quarter, the Bon Jovi tickets that went to a Four Diamonds Family...oh and yesterday I found out that the boy who used the tickets..his birthday was Wednesday..the day of the concert, and then the email from the lawyer that runs the legal studies program I am interested in being named Buckley...and her first name starts with a K.. Oh and also, when I was leaving work the other day I turned around and waved at Stacey and said good bye. She waved back but gave me an odd look. She told me today that when I turned to look at her I looked exactly like Jed. Yes we definitely cannot deny we are mother and son but we really don't look alike. June said, Junes seems to be the one Jed is using when I am too obtuse to get stuff, she said that she knows Stacey actually saw Jed. "Jed is always around Kristin and when you turned around you just caught a glimpse of him, I know that you saw him, I know he is here", that is what June told Stacey and I. Of course I have to go with June! I wish I could see him, that would be the best. I also know he is here, of course that doesn't mean I miss him less....not even close but it is nice to know he is here. I just wish I could be raising him and be a mom to an almost teenage boy...my boy.
Someone left a link to another blog on here the other day. I checked it out and the woman who writes it was so on target with what she said. Let me summarize..... she was talking about how people who lose children do not have a name, we are not widows or orphans, what we are living is too horrible to actually give a name to it. She said what we are are amputees...we have lost a huge chuck of our soul. We still can survive without this part of us but nothing will ever be the same and we have to find a whole new way to live our lives. The wound heals over but it always hurts and will always be gone. I agree wholeheartedly. It was a great way to describe how we live.
I thought about it all day. When you lose an appendage it is immediately obvious to everyone and most are gracious enough to realize that you cannot do all you used to do before the loss. When you lose a child the piece of you that went with them is not obvious to others...no one can see it. People who don't know you wonder why you start crying when you see sponge bob, or you stop talking in the middle of a sentence and stare into space or just walk away or you just don't speak at all some days. These social hiccups are met with bewildered stares, or horrified apologizing when you try to explain what is wrong and eventually just complete avoidance. Sometimes the people that do know you think you have completely "gotten over it" if you smile or laugh and then they tell you how 'Strong" you are and how they could never deal with a loss such as yours as well as you are. So does that mean they love their child more than you do? I understand that people are trying to do what they think is best. They really do not know what to do and you can see it on their face how grateful they are when you don't melt down, or talk about uncomfortable things. So that is what you try to do. Try to pretend you are a normal, whole person, a person with no lost limbs or chunks of your soul .But sometimes, sometimes sponge bob or family guy comes into view and you start to cry, or something random reminds you of something your child said or did and you stop talking in the middle of a sentence or someone says hi and you just do not want to talk that day. Anyway, so I completely agree with the amputee analogy.....it's right on target.
That is my post for the day....
Baby Jed, I really need you to come home now. I need to turn back the clock and have you here. I need the hope we always had that this would get better and I need you here so we can make all the plans for your future. I need you here so I have my child to raise because you are what I do and who I am. Oh Jeddie, I hate this...really really hate this. Missing you ...just missing you.
Mommy loves you Jeddie
Love J & K