Jed around 6-8 months

Jed147
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

I was going to post a more recent picture but it was just to painful to look at the newer one this evening. At this moment I want to scream. I just want my son. it is getting harder and harder and harder. If I didn't have to clean up the mess I would start screaming and throwing things.
I think I am angry today. I am thinking of the complete unfairness of it all. All the suffering and terror he went through....I can't begin to imagine how scared he was at many different times over the past 8 years. I am pissed. He fought hard and he was brave and beautiful and he deserved to be able to live like a normal child. After all the hell, he and I deserved to have some time together when I could just be the mom to a healthy teenage boy and he could just be Jed. It is so Freakin' unfair. I always try to steer away from that phrase because nothing is fair....but come on. Why did ALL of that get dumped on one small boy? And now I am here, alone, no longer raising a child...I am just trying to survive...and I really do not care if I do. It is hard to fake that...I try though. Savannah is my reason to keep going right now. She has had enough trauma and upheaval.
Today I had two different people ask me how Jed was. UGH, I feel bad when I have to tell people...maybe I should lie...but I never can..it all just flies out.
Crappy day. I have to go read my American Government stuff for tomorrow night.
Love J & K