sjk thon 2009

sjk thon 2009
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

I love this pic.
Danny and I went to see Iron Man 2 with Adam & Tiersa. I was not with Dan, Jed and DJ when they saw the 1st one..but I liked this one...it was good. We had a good time.
I saw someone at work today that I haven't seen in forever, I don't even know her name but we always said hi to each other. Anyway, she said :I'm sorry about your son, I just heard. I had no idea and by looking at you I would think nothing was wrong. You seem to be doing amazing with this, it is so good that you are doing so well with it". UM, what am I supposed to look like? She sort of made me feel that if I missed him more I would look worse or something. I wanted to scream at her I DO NOT HAVE A CHOICE...I HAVE TO GO TO WORK and IT WOULD BE UNFAIR FOR ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE TO HAVE TO WORK WITH SOMEONE THAT DOES NOT SHOWER OR COMB HER HAIR AND SOBS ALL THE TIME. I DO NOT HAVE A CHOICE. Ugh, trust me....inside I am unshowered, exhausted, and not able to function. I always tried to act like everything would be ok so Jed did not get too scared. I figured if he saw that I was calm he would be too....it worked...at least most of the time. So I will just keep on with that as much as I can. I do wrestle with the fact that we never talked about death. I wonder if that was something I should have done. I always had the attitude that dying was not an option. I even told him once, when he was younger, that he could not die because I was the mommy and I had final say...and I say NO WAY. He said "well what if I got to heaven then what?"...I told him I would come right up there and bring him home...moms are allowed to do that. Oh how I wish that were the truth. He went along with it and never mentioned it again. Well maybe one other time he asked me what I thought heaven was like. I told him that I thought it was beautiful and you could do and be whatever you want. There is no sadness or sickness there. Again though I said, "and you don't have to think about that until you are old and gray". He seemed satisfied with that answer...i hope he was. I suppose second guessing myself now is pointless..but none the less I know I will.
My Grandmother...A... found a quarter yesterday. She was on her way down to dinner and on a settee near the elevator was a quarter, all alone right in the middle of the little seat. A quarter from Jed.. :) gotta love it.
Jeddie...I love you ...always. I miss you more and more and more. i hate being without you. I am trying my best....to do my best. Love you baby boy.
Love J & K